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    Monday, October 10, 2005

    Number 9: Paul Rose aka Mr. Biffo

    Switch on your TV. Put it onto channel four and hit the text button, then type in 375. Now read the pages of GameCentral, the nauseating illiteracy that’s pinheading Teletext’s games coverage. Now mourn. Mourn for the days when there were decent daily games pages. Those days are long gone. Those were the days of Digitiser.

    Digitiser is the closest that quality games magazine writing has ever appeared away from a games magazine. The reviews were accurate and entertaining, whilst GameCentral’s efforts now struggle to be readable.

    Paul Rose was the editor and comedy genius of the almighty Digitiser for ten years until Teletext realised that it wasn’t poorly written and mainstream enough for them, and so an era was unceremoniously ended to make way for the heap of bland shit identical to what’s sweating from every orifice of the industry today (the full story is on Paul’s website).

    Ironically, one of gaming’s most talented writers has almost disappeared from the industry in pursuit of the more noble and respectable profession of screenwriting. He’s still got one foot in the industry’s door, writing the only readable page of Edge in his monthly Biffovision column. He’s also got his own drab but informative website which is the front door of his deservedly well populated forum, the Board of Biffo.

    Congratulations Paul / Biffo – you’re a “celebrity” games journalist!
    The RAM Raider salutes you.


    1. Anonymous8:29 pm

      Erm yeah if you like your "quality gaming" views coming from unfunny cartoon characters such as the man with the long chin, liked heavily Pro Nintendo biased, heavily Anti Sega Biased, heavily just give whatever craps meant to be good on Playstation this month top marks so we can justify the constant Nintendo butt kissing, forget any other formats that came out before the SNES too cause ONLY NINTENDO MATTER, oh and the thinly vailed adverts to big up his mates at Future Pubs mags whilst dissing other and indeed better console mags then it was just grrrreat...

    2. Biffo>Edge11:16 pm

      Erm, shutup. Biffo's funny as fuck. You cock.

    3. Anonymous11:51 pm

      Digitiser was SHIT.

      Those stupid fucking characters were only funny to people with NO SENSE OF HUMOUR, because they assumed they must be funny because they DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING so just laughed and pretend they were in on the 'joke'.

      Like those grinning retards you see in wheelchairs - they're always laughing when they're on the bus, and that doesn't mean buses are funny, does it?

      And the stupid cunts that still say shit like "link-me-do" are fucking brain-dead morons.

      So there-me-do.

      PS: Tony Mott is a cunt too-me-do. You should do-me-do something about him being a cunt. Just make some shit up if you have to.

    4. Anonymous8:05 am

      Just because you couldn't see the humour in the jokes doesn't mean they weren't funny you know? People used to say the same thing about Monty Python.

      Personally, I think Biffo is one of the funniest and most honest jounalists around (and that's saying something).

      PS: To paraphrase Oscar Wilde, 'Swearing should be an exclamation mark, not a comma.'

      How can you expect people to take your criticism seriously when it's indispersed with swearing?

    5. sweezely8:49 am

      Nintendo bias? Anti-Sega? The jokes that you're not this: getting?

      Anonymous, you have messed up.

    6. Look at his lovely greek face, how can you not love him?

    7. Bifoo is aces and will bum* anyone to death who says otherwise. And that means you, Anonymous.


      ** with his enormous knob***

      *** bread knife****

      **** penis

    8. someone9:29 am

      One of the other entertaining parts of Digitister was the letters page. The word 'zealot' became almost a catchphrase.

      'Anonymous' illustrates this perfectly. What he doesn't realise is that there were just as many Nintendo zealots saying that they were Sega or Sony biased. Do you see?

      Anonymous: you have messed up.

      As for the humour, it *does* exclude people. You either love it or hate it. No need to be a dick if you do hate it, though.

    9. Anonymous11:02 pm

      Firstly the 2nd Anonymous is a another person who hated digitiser-good on him/her. Re-Anti Sega biased, they slated EVERY SINGLE GAME on the Megadrive bar James Pond (whoa real gaming classic that one) and Micro Machines, whilst constantly presenting the SNES as goods gift to the world. I owned both MD+SNES, they both had + points -points I just hate childish immature wankers-Digi indeed loved calling people zealots and they were the worst of the lot. Oh but hold on you mention know I've got this all wrong, all this time, no sorry ya know you're RIGHT! I see the error in my ways it was really a Post Modern Ironic piss take of Python proportions, indeed a satire on the vile commercial world we live in. And not a die hard fan talking SHITE about a load of good games cause they didn't happen to be on his fave format.
      And then there was the slanging match with the then best selling magazine Emaps Mean Machines Sega, running ridiculous articles claiming it was "dying." By strange coincidence at the same time they gave away subscriptions to Future Pubs then failing mags. Infact you're right again I take it back. He wan't acting as Future's bitch, he was doing an "alternative" satirical pisstake on the rival publishers and not at all trying to help the then ailing Future sell some shit magazines, whilst putting the boot in the enemy.

      He is a true comedy hero. They should do a C5 programme on him! Love his evil shifty eyes which say so much about him in the photo too!

    10. hmmm...if you hate digitiser, then how on earth do you know they slated EVERY single megadrive game? Reading a page you hate EVERY day? Now that's just silly!
      digi got accused of being biased toward every console -it was tiresome!

      you know what else is tiresome? over agressive sweary oiks who get pissed off if they dont get the jokes.

    11. The fact that Digitiser humour was divisive and often left many feeling distinctly irritated is not in dispute, indeed it is widely accepted even by the fans. However, I don't think it's fair to say they had an anti-sega or any other bias. I'm pretty certain that James Pond wasn't the only MD game to get a good review, and I'm also pretty sure Nintendo got their fair share of bad reviews.

      I have to agree with the others that have responded to Anonymous: these views are nothing but rather silly overblown irritations that you are quite within your right to have. Many people, however, did enjoy the humour and the reviews on Digi, and we're also entitled to that without being told that we're zealots, or humourless, or "childish immature wankers", or anything else.

    12. Anonymous11:34 pm

      Shut it you childish, humourless, immature, zealot wanker.

      Do you see?

    13. Anonymous11:05 pm

      Digi vs the world:
      Attitude towards the Amiga; yes it was pretty much on the way out when Digi appeared but did they have piss off its few remaining fans so badly and goad them into writing hate mail that made them look like twats?
      Megadrive: Do I really need to say it again? Well if you can think of any other MD games that got praised please list them, but all I remember everything from Gunstar Heroes to Streets of Rage getting crap reviews. Even (the then great), EA who many Sega haters at the time would acknowledge as the only reason to buy a MD saw the likes of Road Rash to Jungle Strike score 69%-80%'s. NHL hockey summed it up "this is an American Sport-who cares." And most of all they hated Sonic, I think they pulled a stunt before Sonic 3 came out of giving it 60% (for readers of the Official Sega mag-another jibe at Emap) then when it came out said "no we got it wrong we overated it-its even more shallow and easy to complete than we thought-50%." Hahahooohurr... All 3rd party games were branded as worse than SNES versions regardless of whether they were or not.
      SNES: flawless, perfect in everyway. And it was with the likes of the awesome Mario Kart, Contra Spirits, Starfox etc. Just don't mention its CPU was slower than the MD's and therefore wasn't so hot at games that required more than 6 sprites on screen at once-like in sports games...
      Saturn:what do you bloody think after the MD farce? Sega were on the slide so Digi took it a chance to justify saying they'd always been right and Sega always were trash. Shame the Saturn actually had some great games and they had to get forgotten to make this point.
      Playstation: they loved it as the Bastard son of Nintendo when it was whupping Saturn Ass. So they should for the Metal Gears and Res Evils but not the more middle of the road games pur-lease. When it was whupping N64 ass though, oh dear, they suddenly didn't like it quite so much.
      N64: Nintendo made it so to them again flawless, just don't mention that many of the things "wrong" with the Saturn were problems for this machine too i.e. lack of 3rd party support, slighty messy graphics, etc.
      Dreamcast:after doing the usual Sega bashing routine when it launched it finally sunk in that 1:the MD/SNES war ended nearly a decade ago.2:Sony had lied a bit about how powerful PS2 was and erm the DC games were, erm, a bit better. So they actually gave a few games good reviews whilst making sure they never really advised you bought one.
      PS2:Actually critical of it for a bit before thinking better of it and then just going with the flow.
      Xbox:in the same way they were always it bit iffy with Sega, they were a bit iffy with the Xbox, perhaps cause it was again a threat to;
      Gamecube:loved it like mad it was the best it was, aw fuck who are we trying to kid anymore. Nintendo lost it somewhere in the N64 era. As they seemed to get fed up with Nintendo's inabilty to either come up with something with the Mario 64 wow factor or a decent marketing campaign digi lost their interest in games, even the crap "humour" seemed more flacid. So Biffo fucked off and handed the reigns over to Tony Motts GaysCentral. The 1st edition written by Mott himself lead with a massive bile filled attack on the X-box claiming it an "also-ran console" and had "Mario" written in the top corner of the screen-why it was almost like the early 90's again teletext+Nintendo fans vs the world! Only it was Tony Mott now and he was only funny for all the wrong reasons.

      So that is the full biased childish immature wankered history of Digi through consoles critism- I can't believe I've just written all this shit. Oh by the way I only know all this cause one of my best pals was another idiot who found them funny and made me read it just to my displeasure. Now Good night and fuck Off!

    14. Anonymous10:12 am

      Man, you take these things way to seriously! It was just some writing. On a tv. Pull yourself together and get over it.

    15. Anonymous7:55 pm

      Mmm True. But Digi had "1 million viewers a week"-a false claim, actually oooo 100,000 to 150,000 a day added together to make a million-that's typical of the way they liked to distort things. But still more than most games mags. I just feel they abused their power, they could have been and said so much more, done really funny stuff but never did. They and shit TV videogames shows like Bad Influence (Violet Berlin actually wrote for Digi at one stage) were a cancer in the bowels of gaming, and opened the doors for a load of clueless knobheads to not just get jobs on crap style mags reviewing games in the same I'm a twat style but actual proper games mags started going along with this trend too-cause who wants proper journo's who know what they're on about.
      And if they don't care why is anybody else going to care? I rest my case.