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    Monday, November 07, 2005

    The Golden Joystick Awards 2005: 63.157% Bollocks

    This year’s annual industry back-slapping event has been and gone. In the past, it’s been so lacking in credibility that it’s made the RAM Raider’s Top 10 look well-executed - last year’s “Ultimate Game” was Doom 3...

    Here are this year’s results, and what we think:

    PlayStation 2 Game of the Year – Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
    It’s sad that a tweaked version of a tweaked version of GTA 3 is the best that the PS2 can manage, but it’s a good enough game not to moan about the result. God of War would have been a more original choice. Agree.

    GameCube Game of the Year – Resident Evil 4
    Another sequel, but one that’s taken a series in a new direction. Agree.

    Xbox Game of the Year – Halo 2
    The last year’s Xbox line-up has been almost as bland as the PS2’s, but the likes of Psychonauts, Pirates! and Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath would all have been more deserving than Bungie’s boring sequel. Disagree.

    PC Game of the Year – Half-Life 2
    Can’t argue with that. Agree.

    Handheld Game of the Year – Super Mario 64 DS
    In a year that’s seen the genius of Warioware Touched & Twisted, Meteos and Lumines, a wonky conversion of an old N64 game takes the trophy. That’s just a piss-take. Disagree.

    Best Film-Based Game of 2005 – Resident Evil 4
    Hang on – best “film-based game”? But the Resident Evil films were based on the games, so how the fuck can Resident Evil 4 be based on a film based on its prequels? It’s utterly ridiculous things like this that makes the games industry a laughing stock. Disagree.

    “Radio 1 Colin & Edith” Best Game Soundtrack of 2005 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
    The San Andreas soundtrack isn’t fit to lick the boots of Vice City’s tunes. Also, surely it would be better to recognise original music in games rather than a collection of cobbled together licensed tracks. The association with those two worthless Radio 1 DJs explains a lot though. Disagree.

    “The Sun Online” Online Game of the Year – World of Warcraft
    No-one who’s played it could disagree. Even the readers of The Sun, incredibly. Agree.

    Publisher of the Year – Nintendo
    As long as this doesn’t go to Sony, Microsoft or EA, we’re happy. Agree.

    Retailer of the Year –
    If only it was “supplier” instead of “retailer”, BitTorrent might have been in with a chance. Agree.

    “Game One” Gaming Innovation of the Year – PSP
    The PSP turned out to be better than we were expecting. Watch downloaded films, play downloaded games and emulate old ROMs. Prediction for next year: the Nintendo Revolution’s control pad. Agree.

    The One to Watch for Xmas – The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
    Words fail us. IT’S NOT OUT UNTIL NEXT YEAR, YOU MORONS. Disagree.

    “The Sun” One to Watch for 2006 – Resident Evil 5
    You might as well stick a pin in a release list for this one. We’d have said Shadow of the Colossus or “Christmas favourite” The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. Disagree.

    Hero of 2005 – CJ from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
    A car-jacking gangster murderer takes a totally pointless prize. Too apathetic to agree or disagree.

    Villain of 2005 – Officer Tenpenny from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
    Ditto. And what about Jack Thompson?

    The Girl’s Choice for 2005 – The Sims 2
    What a pathetic category. What’s next? Grandparent’s choice for 2006, immigrant’s choice for 2007, butcher’s choice for 2008? Just give the girls-playing-games thing a rest, as it’s totally irrelevant.

    Editors’ Game of the Year – Resident Evil 4
    The “editors” were mostly from Future's console mags. RE4 is good, and better than Halo 2 which is what we were expecting to win, but Half-Life 2 is the real game of the year. Disagree.

    Unsung Hero of the Year – Fahrenheit
    We really don’t get this category. Fahrenheit scored in the mid-eighties on average across the board, so how is it unsung? If this category was renamed to “Great Game Ignored By Casual Gaming Cunts Queuing Up To Buy FIFA” then we’d be happy for either Fahrenheit or Psychonauts to be named. Disagree.

    “Nuts Magazine” Ultimate Game of 2005 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
    Again, Half-Life 2 should have walked this one. Nuts Magazine is to games what Colin & Edith are to soundtracks – there’s no credible link at all. Disagree.

    Despite our complaints, 2005 has been a better year for the Golden Joystick Awards. Every category could have been filled with The Sims and FIFA, which would have made us suicidal. Fahrenheit got a deserved mention, but if these awards are ever going to gain credibility, the open voting system is going to have to go.

    Maybe the Official Top 10 “Celebrity” Games Journalists should make up next year’s judging panel.


    1. otfkthx 19119332510:33 am

      Who hosted this 'ceremony' btw? Wossy? Jupitus? Bailey? Or that bald Scottish 'comedian' with the smackable face?

    2. Anonymous1:39 pm

      that bald Scottish 'comedian' with the smackable face?

      You mean Stuart Campbell?

    3. > "Radio 1 Colin & Edith" Best Game Soundtrack of 2005 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

      They might have a point - the sound of either one of these makes me "in the mood" for blowing people away.

      ;-) in case the spooks are reading this.

      (Oh, and the "smackable" comedian being referred to is almost certainly Fred Macaulay who is renowned for doing "corporates".)

    4. "The One to Watch for Xmas – The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess"

      As much as whining about awards ceremonies is the most pointless exercise of all time, this category stands out as of particular worry.

      Possibly the most openly discussed and famously delayed game of the year. A MASSIVE news story MONTHS AGO that it wasn't going to make Christmas, and has now disappeared off the Q1 releases published by Nintendo.

      It somewhat questions the effort that went into anything else involved.

    5. Anonymous1:35 pm

      I think the nominations were sorted before the news appeared that it was delayed. But that movie category is funny. ALBEIT OLD NEWS.

    6. Game One think the PSP is the best innovation this year?

      I can't believe I was actually ON that fucking show. Twats.

    7. Anonymous5:04 pm

      Yeah, well done, glass museum. Now fuck off.