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    Monday, August 07, 2006

    A Postcard From The Edge

    OK, so we didn’t put up any postcards like we promised. We meant to, and even had a stupidly elaborate code based on the Da Vinci shite worked out so we could drop self-destructive clues, but in the end we just couldn’t be bothered. A holiday is a time to relax, and we’ve not done much of that.

    Travelling is the most overrated thing in the world apart from Edge magazine (Edge’s box quote for Guitar Hero dubs it the most “self-indulgent video gaming experience ever made” – a video game that let’s you be self-indulgent? Surely some mistake – it’s not like the reason video games exist is so you can indulge yourself by playing them, so they’re really onto something there). Seriously though, what’s the point? In travelling, not Edge. Edge defies explanation.

    Wherever you go, you’ve seen it all before. When you go to Thailand, you see some old woman with a wrinkled face looking like a bollock-sack washing up in the river, and gnarled old men eating rice. And don’t forget the golden Buddhas – they make the 14 hour flight worth every second. Go to Australia, and you can see the opera house looking like a more ordinary replica of what you see on TV set in a dull city. Take away the polarised lenses and hired cranes to get a decent angle, and a great building becomes just another stinking tourist trap. There’s always plenty of desert to look at though. Great.

    It’s a sorry state when the whole world has been glorified and sanitised to the point where watching a bint wandering around your screen talking about currency prices is preferable to visiting the place yourself. You might have to suffer that cunt Nick Knowles pretending he gives a fuck about consumers when watching TV, but at least you don’t have to run the airport gauntlet where you’re guilty until proven innocent, check in to stinking hotels where the pool chlorine has been replaced by campylobacter, mingle with horrific locals, or have projectile diarrhoea shooting out of your arse unless you take with you a suitcase full of biscuits to survive from, or shove a tampon up there to prevent leakage. You can’t hire a ladyboy from the comfort of your armchair, but the TV traveller can’t have it all.

    TV + Games > Real Life

    But hey, at least we’ve come back to our beloved jobs working as bitches for the gaming overlords. The summer drought means we’ve not missed much. E3’s fucked (hurrah) but that probably means more pissing around with press trips (bollocks). It looks like PC Gamer has wheeled out its top 100 PC games IN ASSOCIATION WITH PC WORLD again – we’ll be posting our comments on that next unless something more interesting crops up.

    Back To The Edge

    Quite a few of you have been posting comments on our old posts. Our favourite has to be this from an Anonymous Knight in our excellent and yet to be beaten How To Be A Games Journalist bit:

    “RAM Raider, the passage below was taken from a page describing a condition that affects people in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s:
    ‘Many of us are aware of feelings of disillusionment and irritability setting in in middle age, attributable perhaps to a heightened sense of our own mortality and/or feelings of dissatisfaction at the way life has turned out. Very often such gloomy insights are brought on by a specific trigger: a redundancy or divorce, perhaps, or a more trivial event like a milestone birthday.
    Maybe it is time to visit the doctor?”

    Which is a long-winded way of saying the RAM Raider is suffering a mid-life crisis. We nearly dug out the business card with our shrink’s phone number on it, but then we realised he was quoting from a blagging journo on some random website. Sorry Anonymous Knight, but you’ve missed the “RAM Raider’s crazy-mad!!!?!” boat by 16 months.

    [In-joke alert] Anyway, our bid to eliminate the father of NGJ failed, so you can’t prove anything… [/In-joke alert end]

    7 comments:

    1. Gammon Radiation10:34 am

      I don't have any problem with that Edge quote, myself.

      It seems like a pretty good summation of how I feel when I play the game, and go stupidly overboard in a way I never do with other games.

      It's nowhere near as fuzzy as most box quotes you get, anyway: "It's the game we've been waiting a lifetime to play!" Oh, *have* you now? Shame that tells me fucking nothing.

      Just out of interest, why do you say Edge is overrated? I always thought of it as coming under fire from all angles, from what I can see.

      ReplyDelete
    2. Anonymous1:23 pm

      I agree Edge is overrated. People tend to think it's authoritative because they use lots of big words, but their circulation figures speak louder. Famitsu it ain't.

      ReplyDelete
    3. Anonymous1:24 pm

      Seems to me like the common perception of Edge is that its commonly perceived as being overrated when actually that isn't the common perception at all.

      From what I can tell, it's a little better than others in some areas and most people can understand this. But why am I still typing?

      ReplyDelete
    4. Anonymous12:48 am

      Edge charges a fucking shedload for their cover treatments. At least that's what my boss says.

      (Yes, that's right kids - the swanky glossy effects and special silver bags are regularly paid for by the publisher...)

      ReplyDelete
    5. Dreaded Walrus12:56 am

      "People tend to think it's authoritative because they use lots of big words, but their circulation figures speak louder."

      Does that mean that The Official Playstation 2 Magazine is one of the most authoritative mags around?

      ReplyDelete
    6. Anonymous12:08 pm

      "(Edge’s box quote for Guitar Hero dubs it the most “self-indulgent video gaming experience ever made” – a video game that let’s you be self-indulgent? Surely some mistake – it’s not like the reason video games exist is so you can indulge yourself by playing them, so they’re really onto something there)."

      Hey my friend! Do you that something can be 'the most!!!???' You see Guitar Hero is THE MOST self indulgent!!! That's not to say other's are not!! They have to be, you see?!!

      You would not say "My necklace is my most metal thing!" If nothing else you had was metal!!

      So you are defintely not onto something!! Better luck next time! Dickhead!!!!

      ReplyDelete
    7. If you imagine the comment above being read out with a Mexican accent, it becomes pure hilarity.

      ReplyDelete