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    Friday, September 21, 2007

    Future Publishing Readership Goes From "Strength" To "Strength"

    Press Release

    Future Publishing is proud to announce
    yet another brilliantly strong performance in this year’s ABC readership figures.





    Xbox 360:

    Officially Corrupt Xbox 360 Magazine: 65,673 (gaining 22,993 readers)
    Xbox World 360: 30,296 (gaining 7,113 readers)

    “We’re delighted to be leading Future Publishing’s assault on traditional moral values by definitively proving once and for all that honesty is not the best policy,” said a spokesperson for Officially Corrupt Xbox 360 Magazine, yesterday.
    “These results conclusively demonstrate that lying to our readers, reviewing unfinished code, and awarding artificially high scores in exchange for advertising payments does pull in readers.”

    “I’ll drink to that,” said a spokesperson for Xbox World 360, yesterday.
    “Thank goodness the decent reviews editor of Officially Corrupt Xbox 360 Magazine got so severely bollocked by management and nearly lost his job for airing reasonable complaints about unrealistic deadlines and workloads on his blog, or we’d all be expected to go around being honest.”


    Nintendo:

    Official Nintendo Magazine: 47,925 (gaining 12,356 readers)

    “It’s great to see that the “Official” tag has been so effective at cashing in on the Wii’s success,” said a spokesperson for ONM, yesterday. “Do you remember the days when official mags got six-figure readership numbers, though? I tell you, it…hgrrmphh…” he added, before being bundled away by a representative of Future Publishing’s Ministry of Truth.


    Multiformat:

    Edge: 30,021 (losing 3,576 readers)
    GamesMaster: 47,719 (losing 5,641 readers)

    “All of us here at Future’s most prestigious self-important cock-rag are over the moon with the results,” said Edge Chief Editor-in-Chief-in-Chief Tony Mott, yesterday. “We’re still buzzing from the incredible 75 readers we gained in last year’s ABCs, which Future crowed about in every press release for at least the following six months. There’s nothing to say we’ve not still got those 75 extra readers, y’know.”

    “Ooo,” said a spokesperson for GamesMaster, yesterday, responding to the pretty colours on his monitor. If he’d have been paying attention, he probably would have said something about GamesMaster still being a better read than Edge despite being aimed at kids.


    PC:

    PC Gamer: 41,599 (losing 3,696 readers)
    PC Zone: 24,385 (losing 5,637 readers)
    PC Format: Nobody gives a fuck

    “It’s not as bad as I was expecting, although having no real competition does kinda help,” said PC Gamer editor Ross Atherton, yesterday, as Gillen, Rossignol, Francis, and Walker frolicked behind him naked planning the latest Extra-Life section.
    “The way I see it, if 3,696 people don’t want to read the same article about World Of Warcraft and BioShock with the words slightly changed around every month, that’s their loss.”

    “Mmff, mmra mm mmf”, added deputy editor Tim Chubby Edwards, as half-chewed pieces of doughnut fell from his mouth onto his school jumper.

    “I’m still the tenth least-hideous games journalist, so fook off,” commented PC Zone editor Jamie Sefton, yesterday.

    “Sorry, he’s been a bit like that since he took all the skin off his knuckles scraping them against the floor,” explained his deputy, Will Porter.
    “It’s not entirely our fault we’ve got fewer readers per month than anonymous bloggers. We try our best by taking on genuinely talented writers like the soon-to-be-award-winning Jon Blyth and the odd Irish kid, but having to make do with Gamer’s sloppy seconds and the kids’ end of the market doesn’t really help. Right, I’m off to splash some engine oil in my hair and rub chip fat over my face ready for this year’s gaming BAFTAs.”


    PS2:

    Official PlayStation 2 Magazine: 44,182 readers (losing, wait for it… 55,935(!) readers)
    PlayStation World: 17,132 (losing 17,347 readers)
    PSM3: 24,121 (losing 11,872 readers)

    “Oh fuck,” chorused the editors of Official PS2 and PSW magazines as they saw the results and spat Red Bull over their monitors, yesterday.
    “We’ve both lost over half of our readership. Ohhhhhh fuck.”

    “Don’t look at me,” said a spokesperson for PSM3 magazine, yesterday.
    “At least we didn’t lose more readers single-handed than the total of Future’s gains like the Official PS2 guys did.”


    “Get the PR boys to make up some shit about only online readers mattering, or something,” said managing director of Future Robert Price, yesterday, when reminded he couldn’t rely on the “transitional period” excuse again.

    ###

    Note to Editors: RRPR is a fictional firm set up in September 2007 so the piss can be taken from a slightly different angle. RAM Raider is a crazed anonymous blogger who has been publicly losing the plot on semi-popular blog “The RAM Raider” since April 2005, but privately flipped long before then. Everything he says is a lie, which is why he’s flown below the radar of his colleagues for so many years.

    “PS3”, “PS2”, “Xbox 360”, “Wii”, and “Future Publishing is fucked” are all registered trademarks.

    Edge magazine’s Dr. Mott can be heard doing the graveyard shift on Magic FM every weekday morning.

    Contact:
    RamRaiderBlog@gmail.com

    4 comments:

    1. "Anonymous" lol

      ReplyDelete
    2. Weeping non-anonymous tears. I can't get fired for reading this can I?

      ReplyDelete
    3. Anonymous11:54 am

      The Ram Raider is Gary Cutlack.

      Disappointing on so many levels but true.

      You can merge your blogs now you've finally had the balls to leave Future.

      Shame about the new job, though, eh

      ReplyDelete