Twitter Updates

    follow me on Twitter

    Friday, October 12, 2007

    The Games Media Awards In More Than One Word

    Fucking embarrassing.

    Do you remember when they used to have regular assemblies at school? Twenty minutes a day to get told not to walk mud into the main entrance, or to keep your shirt tucked in – like a talking notice board. And during those assemblies, the head would sometimes call students up to the front to pick up a certificate for doing well in science, or a plastic trophy for scoring a goal in a football match against some other school. That, right there, is the GMA ceremony.

    There’s really nothing that can be said about it that isn’t blindingly obvious. Did we really expect an awards ceremony where PR cunts and marketers vote for their favourite, most accommodating and least offensive journalists? Oh, wait a minute, we have an official response to this concern from organisers Intent Media:

    “In some quarters, question marks have been raised over the validity of PRs voting for their favourite media. The concern being that they will simply reward malleability and the winners will be their lapdogs. Early indications from the first returned voting forms suggest that this is emphatically not the case.”

    Well that’s alright, then. How stupid of us to assume otherwise.

    “Sponsors include Nintendo, PlayStation, Xbox 360, EA, Take 2, Vivendi Games, EA Sports, Guitar Hero III, 1C Company, Koch Media and System 3,” added Intent, after EVERY SINGLE PRESS RELEASE AND REPORT ISSUED.

    Here’s a run down of the winners:

    MAINSTREAM MEDIA (sponsored by Nintendo, PlayStation, Xbox 360, EA, Take 2, Vivendi Games, EA Sports, Guitar Hero III, 1C Company, Koch Media and System 3)

    Who gives a fuck about the “mainstream media”? Yeah, let’s all congratulate a bunch of writers who string together 40 words a month with no substance for magazines and websites that wouldn’t piss on the games industry if it was on fire.

    SPECIALIST MEDIA (ONLINE) (sponsored by Nintendo, PlayStation, Xbox 360, EA, Take 2, Vivendi Games, EA Sports, Guitar Hero III, 1C Company, Koch Media and System 3)

    Website Best At Turning Press Releases Into “News”: The Unreliable Eurogamer

    Website Best At Fawning Over The PRs And Marketers In Their Review Scores: The Unreliable Eurogamer

    Writer Best At Toeing The PR Line: Tom Bramwell (from The Unreliable Eurogamer)

    Spotting a pattern yet?

    We’ll be honest – we’ve got no problem with Bramwell, but none of the writers in the shortlist can touch Cutlack on his UKR blog for quality and entertainment. Not that either of those strengths matter in the games press these days.

    Best Commercial Non-Commercial Commercial Website Or Blog (With Commercials): UKR

    Of course they should have won, considering the miserable line up of fellow finalists we’ve already whined about. It’s worth saying again though – WORST AWARD TITLE EVER.

    SPECIALIST MEDIA (PRINT) (sponsored by Nintendo, PlayStation, Xbox 360, EA, Take 2, Vivendi Games, EA Sports, Guitar Hero III, 1C Company, Koch Media and System 3)

    PlayStation Mag Best At Toeing The Sony Line: Official PlayStation Magazine – well I never!

    Xbox Magazine Best At Toeing The Micro$oft Line: Officially Corrupt Xbox 360 Magazine – golly gosh, what a surprise!

    Nintendo Magazine Best At Toeing The Nintendo Line: Official Nintendo Magazine – knock me down with a feather if that’s not a surprise!

    Putting that ridiculous load of worthless bilge to one side, we come to the most interesting awards. Interesting in a relative sense…

    Multi-Format Magazine: GamesTM

    Overall Games Magazine: GamesTM

    How the fuck Future and their pride and joy spunk-mop Edge managed not to pay their way with favours to the top of those lists, even we do not know. Answers on a postcard, please.

    And finally…

    Best Writer On A Specialist Magazine: Kieron Gillen

    How perfectly predictable. We know Gillen and, contrary to the opinions of lobotomy patients who don’t read the blog properly, we like Gillen. He’s a great talent, but we just can’t think of a single thing he’s written in the last year that’s made us think, “wow – good piece” (not including his criticism of the GMAs when they were first announced, natch). Jon Blyth, on the other hand, has been a shining light of consistent excellence and wit ever since he joined the ranks of the ailing PC Zone, and deserves some recognition.

    As long as the games industry continues its depressing spiral into shitty ineptitude, thanks to the hordes of twats in suits who don’t play games, don’t have a clue about what’s going on, and care about nothing other than their profit lines, the talented will continue to go unrecognised.


    Breaking news: Vic Reeves is hosting this year’s gaming BAFTAs. Just kill us now…


    In Other News: Stay tuned, Anonymous Knights, because the only credible and least corrupt awards ceremony, voted for by you, is back. The voting process will be opening very soon.


    1. I'll stand by my EDF2017 review over at Eurogamer but my vote would have gone for Log too. I mean, obviously.


    2. Jon Blyth4:16 pm

      Kieron, I'm sorry for putting your award in my trousers. I was consumed with fury.

    3. boxclever12:03 am

      there is only one cunt here - and that's the one who was so pissed off that they can't get a decnt job and have to write a blog - fuck off cunt.

      PS name and number not with-held...

    4. boxthick1:26 am

      "PS name and number not with-held..."

      So why have you used a pseudonym, "boxclever"?

    5. Darran Jones2:10 pm

      I didn't realise we were allowed to put his award down our pants. I would have grabbed it and done the same.