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    Monday, December 10, 2007

    RR Most Overrated Pile Of Shite 2007: Halo 3


    We thought Halo 3 would breeze through and take the un-coveted prize of the most overrated pile of shite, but it faced up to some stiff competition from no less than BioShock. We’d have been disappointed to have had our chance to moan about the planet’s most ridiculous games franchise robbed from us by BioShock, as we don’t really think it’s all that bad. Certain magazines went way overboard when reviewing it, and being based on objectivism was an open invitation for all those reviewers who think they’re part-time philosophers doing the industry a favour by writing about games instead of saving the world to wank all over the place, but it was otherwise one of the more decent games of the year.

    Halo 3 though was everything we feared it would be, and then some. We’ve never rated the Halo series. The first was reasonable, but ran like a one-legged foreigner from the police. Its middling reviews when it finally got ported to the PC confirmed what only sane people were thinking: Halo is an average FPS which is nothing to get excited about.

    If the first was enough to make console reviewers prematurely ejaculate, then the sequel made their balls turn inside out. In their eagerness to score it in the mid-nineties, they all somehow failed to notice that the single player campaign was atrocious. The multiplayer was the equivalent to Halo’s single player campaign on the Xbox: alright for a console, but otherwise nothing special.


    A cunt playing Halo 3, yesterday:



    So along comes part 3, with a stupid amount spent on publicising the thing and “convincing” reviewers to bleat on about how fantastic it is before playing it properly. What the sane were left with is a mix of the first’s single player campaign mixed with the second’s multiplayer mode. And that’s all. Still nothing special, still glitchy, and still completely shat upon by most proper FPS games for the PC.

    It’ll happen again, though. In a year or two, the PC port will arrive and all the reviewers will smugly proclaim, “Well, actually, it’s rubbish! Just like the first two! And we’re the only ones to notice!” despite largely being the same reviewers who’d banged on about it in the first place. We’re really hoping Gillen gets to review it for Gamer after his sell-out 94% love-fest for some PDF “magazine”.

    The only thing Halo 3 will ever be good for is, if you’ve got the “Legendary” edition, turning the helmet upside down and taking a big, steaming shit into it. Then it can go into a museum when there’s a show about the history of gaming in fifty years from now, and the write up next to it can read, “Everyone got excited about Halo 3 fifty years ago, despite it being like this helmet – a cheap looking piece of crap that’s shite inside.”

    Mediocrity; thy name is Halo.


    4 comments:

    1. Anonymous7:42 pm

      Great post. Hope your next one goes off on Bioshock.

      Question: What's that picture from, of master chief in a nondescript corridor? Is it a halo mod for Wolfenstein 3D or Doom?

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    2. Anonymous12:45 am

      Looks like Jedi Knight to me.

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    3. Well said. Halo has always seemed like the emperor's new clothes to me. What truly boggles my mind are the people who insist it's an innovative franchise that did things never seen before on PC or console. But in my mind even Halo 1 was just a bog-standard shooter.

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    4. "Emperor's New Clothes" - What a perfect analogy, I couldn't have put it better myself. I've now played two of the Halo games - the first one on the pc, when I couldn't believe how average it was compared to many PC fps games, and most recently Halo 3. Yeah it passes the time and is fun for a bit, but JEEZ. You listen to these prepubescent console noobs and you'd think that it was god's gift to First Person Shooters.

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