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    Tuesday, December 18, 2007

    RR Most Ridiculous Statement Masquerading As Games Journalism 2007: BioShock Review For PC Gamer By Tom Francis

    A new category for this year’s awards, the “Most Ridiculous Statement” entries had us torn between screaming with laughter and sobbing with despair. We were surprised at first that there weren’t more entries from Edge, considering you could drop it into a turd and the chances are it would fall open onto a page full of eligible prose, but that would mean admitting to reading the bollock cloth.

    PC Gamer’s very own Tom Francis, a man accustomed to thinking he’s writing his sixth-form philosophy and politics homework when typing out games reviews, lifts the trophy for his raping of BioShock. Take it away, Anonymous Knight:

    “Tom Francis, for his review of Bioshock, in which we discover the man - who obviously suffers from a form of mental premature ejaculation - celebrating how much the game was like System Shock 2, while exaggerating like an utter cunt about how good it was. In his review he wrote:

    ‘BioShock had already made me physically gape several times by this stage, but here my mouth fell open and stayed open, only widening further as the scene became more extraordinary with every passing second.’

    After which Ken Levine probably thrust his erect member into the mouth of young Tom Francis.”

    Anonymous Knight, via comments

    Although the entry was for the RR Games Writer Twat Of 2007 award, the inclusion of the statement (and the huge amount of entries we had for that award) saw it getting moved to a more suitable category.

    The number two spot also goes to a PC Gamer writer nominated for the Games Writer Twat award:

    “Alec Meer (PCGamer)Purely for his The Witcher "review".

    A small excerpt for you:

    ‘It goes something like this: wave the little sword icon over an enemy, click and hold the button down. Realise it's not worked, try again. Eventually a circle appears around the icon and Albino Viggo will start swording. Keep holding until the icon turns orange. Click nownownow to activate a stronger attack, unless the enemy has moved slightly. Repeat.’

    Here's a clue for you; if you are going to earn a living reviewing games, at the very least learn how to play the fucking things first. The whole point of the combat is the timing between the clicks, complaining that holding down the button and then clicking frantically like some kind of arthritis ridden spastic doesn’t work; is akin to repeated jamming your car keys into your eyes and then complaining that your car won’t start.


    Ross, via comments

    Finally, a dishonourable mention goes to GameSpot for this truly unforgivable sin spotted by a reader:

    ‘Ultimately, if you take a step back and look at the big picture, you'll see that real life is an impressive and exciting experience, despite its occasional and sometimes noticeable problems.’

    This cunt
    at Gamespot reviewed "Real life" ROFL ROFL ROFL. Cunt.”

    Anonymous Knight, via email

    Congratulations, Tom Francis from PC Gamer – The RAM Raider salutes you.


    1. Anonymous10:14 am

      The WoS has an entire thread making weak jokes at the expense of the McCanns. It's one of the biggest threads on there.

    2. Anonymous3:13 pm

      Yay, you corrected my typo. Such are the perils of being an anonymous knight with no way to edit my comments. I tip my cap to you.