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    Thursday, June 26, 2008

    35th & 34th Least Hideous: Jim Rossignol & Craig Gilmore

    Jim Rossignol mostly writes for PC Gamer, which we quite like, and RPS, which we don’t. And if you don’t know what RPS is, then you really don’t want to know. Trust us. He’s also just written a book. Whilst it’s not to our taste, we have genuine respect for anyone who can get something over 1,000 words published, so have a look here if you’re interested.

    Craig Gilmore has to be the quickest person ever to have jumped the reviewing ship to swim for PR island, as he now works for Rockstar. We know a seriously funny story about someone at Rockstar’s London PR office, but we can’t tell it here. We could tell the story about one time we were there for a hands-on, being patronised by a couple of their PR boys who were practically stroking our dicks whilst we were playing a dismal piece of pre-release code which we managed to break, to hilarious effect. But we won’t.

    And now, more of the poetry in motion that we call Things Cunts Say, where we talk about the things said by, astonishingly, cunts. Today:

    “Teh interweb.”

    In a parallel universe, referring to the internet, the net, the web, or the world wide web as the “interweb” is considered to be the height of wit and a demonstration of the writer’s mental aptitude. Likewise, the deliberate misspelling of “the” as “teh” leaves the reader gasping at the braveness of the writer in having the guts to transpose a joke which was never that funny on internet forums into a journalistic piece of writing. However, in the universe we live in, it means you’re an absolute fucking arseholing cunt.

    Congratulations, Jim Rossignol & Craig Gilmore – The RAM Raider salutes you!


    1. What's all this balls about 'I know a great story, but I can't tell it here'? The blog's anonymous isn't it? If you're not prepared to tell it, why even mention it?

    2. Anonymous10:35 am

      So to clarify:

      You quite like PC Gamer, despite the fact that it is mired in the politics that you rail against, yet you don't like RPS, which is simply four guys writing about the games that interest them, unbeholden to publishers and PRs?

      Forgive me, but what exactly is it you want?

    3. Anonymous10:44 am

      Rammy, are you taking suggestions for your Things Cunts Say list? If so, any box-out strap that includes the phrase "We [insert activity here] so you don't have to". The single most asinine, faux-chummy cop-out available to lazy writers/subs.

    4. Samuel Roberts11:27 am

      Beaten by Gilmore. This is a sad day.

    5. Anonymous11:34 am

      You're writing anonymously and yet can't tell these scandalous stories you keep alluding to. What's THAT all about?!

    6. TMUK & Anonymous Knight 3: Yeah, it's complicated. Sorry.

      Anonymous Knight 1: I like (some of) the writing in PCG, not the corruption. RPS is just...just...ugh.

      Anonymous Knight 2: That's a good one - I'll use that in the next post.

      Samuel Roberts: AND he was wearing a flower in his hair. Bad luck.

    7. Anonymous2:21 pm

      Fucking tell us the story, soft lad. What's the point in having a cynical industry blog when you can't tell cynical industry anecdotes? Poof. Man up and dish the dirt.

    8. Anonymous5:40 am

      I suppose he might not be able to tell it if these anecdotes are the type that only he and the person/s involved know, and that person doesn't know that Rammy is actually Rammy? So if he published the story here, that person would instantly know who the RAM Raider was, and word would spread?

      Just a guess.

      Either that, or he's lazy.

    9. Anonymous11:45 am

      Anonymous Knight 2, and Rammy, surely the giddy heights of the top ten things that cunts say, must include one or all of the following:

      1. "As I type this" Going on, of course, to insinuate that they are engaged in some 'cool' activity, rather than simply staring cunt-eyed into a monitor, marveling at the inane shit pouring from their fingers, the soul purpose of which being to convince themselves that they're not better off dead.

      2. "As in some other magazines I could mention" Yes, but you never fucking do, do you. Instead, you're quite happy to rest on the laurels that at least half the retarded chavs reading your mag will clench anally in rapturous self-satisfaction, as they briefly believe that what they're reading is the best of the bunch, despite the fact that they've never read anything other than whatever arse-towel they're holding while delighting in the scent of their own morning gravy.

      3. "Gaming has never been more popular" Particularly cunty when opening an editorial, and usually from the pen of a journalist who's made editor after ten years of giving up his social life, his marriage, his kids, his integrity, his ability to tell the truth, his ability to tell the difference between good, bad, or cunty, his ability to get a hard-on, his means to keep his eyelids anything higher than half mast and most importantly, the means to do take another career path now that he's painted himself into this filthy shit-smelling corner. But that's okay. Because games have never been more popular.

      Thank you and goodnight.


    10. Anonymous Knight 5: You're exactly right. I'm a lazy cunt too, but you've hit the reason on the head. It doesn't forgive me from mentioning them in the first place though, so sorry about that.

      DX: Excellent contributions, which I'll add to the list. You guys are FANTASTIC.

    11. Anonymous5:24 pm

      "RPS is just...just...ugh."


    12. Anonymous2:29 pm

      DX. You've described Porter particularly well there.

    13. Anonymous1:31 pm

      Porter? Will or Rick?

    14. Anonymous2:06 pm

      Who let Rick Waller loose with the make-up?