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    Wednesday, July 09, 2008

    21st & 20th Least Hideous: Adam Hartley & Ed Zitron

    Hartley from the equally loved and hated Spong, Zitron from the thinning PC Zone. We prefer Zitron.

    And now, it’s Things Cunts Say, contributed today by “Naïve Student Journo”:

    "Hello this is [PR dickhead] at [soulless publishers]. I'm currently out of the office until [a date that was three weeks ago], please feel free to leave a message after the tone."

    Just calling around to try and scrape up some shitty review code, and I've had the above message from the last four numbers. It seems publishing city has turned into a ghost town of never ending summer breaks. With practically no games to promote, where the fuck is everybody?

    We’d like to add that it’s not only during the summer that the PR cocks are failing to do their mind-implodingly simple jobs. Try putting together a new-year preview for a mag in early November (and, seeing as it’s a mag, they’ll give you slightly less than a day to produce six pages of copy), and you’ll find out that even at the busiest time of the year for games releases, the useless fucknuts still piss off out of the office so they’re unreachable for weeks.

    Us: “Hello, I work for [games mag that used to be popular], and we really need some assets so we can advertise your game for free.”

    PR Cunt’s Secretary: “Well, [useless PR cunt whose sole purpose in their miserable fucking life is to promote that game] is away for two weeks.”

    Us: “But my deadline’s tomorrow, and he said he’d get the assets to me a week ago. Is there anyone else who can help me?”

    PR Cunt’s Secretary: “No. Fuck off.”

    And yes, Codemasters, and yes, THQ, and yes, Ubisoft, we’re looking at you, you hateful incompetent fucking wankers.

    Congratulations, Adam Hartley & Ed Zitron – The RAM Raider salutes you!


    1. When do we get to the people I want to sleep with/can help me with my career?

    2. Anonymous2:51 am

      (and, seeing as it’s a mag, they’ll give you slightly less than a day to produce six pages of copy)

      News blast for any readers out there who are thinking about getting into games journalism -- this is only a very slight exaggeration on RR's part.

    3. Anonymous9:56 am

      This only happens if you're working on 'Mobile Gaming Monthly' and are trying to contact the PR for 'Vinnie Jones Greyhound Racing', or whatever. If you're working on a proper magazine you deal with professional PRs who - mostly - sort you out with what you need after some gentle mailing/phoning.

    4. ramfan11:44 am

      At last, we get to see a picture of RAMmy himself! Hurray!

    5. Barry Shitpeas1:01 pm

      Anonymous 2:

      Maybe one day you'll get out of Mobile Gaming Monthly and speak to these fabled PR heroes you speak of.

    6. I don't have a clue who any of these people are. Wonder what happened to Ed Lomas etc.?

    7. Anonymous1:51 pm

      RAM Raider and Zitron. RAM Raider IS Zitron. RAM RAIDER IS ZITRON! Now it all makes sense.

    8. Hey guys - maybe Ram Raider is in ALL of us, yeah? You ever thought about that?

    9. Anonymous9:34 pm

      Oh for fuck's sake. It's utter bollocks that if you work for a decent mag the PRs do things. What they *do* do is tell you they're going to do things and don't, i.e. LIE THROUGH THEIR FUCKING TEETH CONSTANTLY.

      Honestly, how many times have you been told something's in the post etc, often accompanied with comedy noises of envelopes being stuffed in the background, only for you have to phone up next week and go through the same shit again. You'd think that these people were paid to make promoting their tat as hard as possible.

      Just thinking about Ubisoft makes my blood boil.

    10. No, it's probably Zitron.

    11. Anonymous9:47 am

      What's with the disparity between the bar charts and the numbers? How can Adam Hartley average above 7, when he gets no votes above 7, and a majority of threes?

      The last thing I want to do is imply that I'm clutching at straws, after being forced into 15 rounds of soul-searching introspection by my defeat to Zitron. So I really should shut the fuck up ASAP

    12. Anonymous10:10 am

      RamRaider is definitely Zitron. Who else would use the word 'ramraid' in conversation?