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    Tuesday, July 29, 2008

    Big Brother – Thy Name Is Future

    Have you committed any crimes against the state lately? Perhaps you’ve been plotting treason, or training suicide bombers. Or maybe you’ve spilt some coffee.

    This heinous crime was picked up on the CCTV cameras inside Future Publishing’s London offices at Balcombe Street. The Ministry was quick to fire off this email to its subjects:

    To: balcombest
    Subject: Accidents Happen


    We all know accidents happen from time to time, it’s inevitable and we in Office Services understand that.

    However, if a member of staff has a mishap, such as the one pictured below, we would appreciate it if they would please be so kind as to notify Office Services of the incident so that we may address the issue promptly.

    Please bear in mind that we like take a proactive approach to ensure that our appearance is up to spec as we often have important visitors in the building.

    Alex Castellanos
    London Services Manager
    Future Publishing Ltd
    2 Balcombe Street
    London NW1 6NW

    That’s right, Balcombe Street plebs – there are important visitors in the building, all carefully clutching their cheque books to their suited chests ready to secure the front cover and preview space of your magazine. And they don't want to watch the likes of you shooting your loads across the floor.

    Bizarrely, one reader from Future isn’t impressed with their camera japes:

    They can spot us spill a coffee from a mile off, but do Future help out when a digital camera gets nicked off a desk? Do they fuck. We've had so much shit go missing we've been told to place valuables in lockers. Lockers we haven't been supplied with.

    “Whatever next, speed cameras in the corridors to ensure we're not walking too fast?” groaned one Futurite, whose brave Reply To All echoed throughout the Balcombe office.

    Yours damply,

    Hay Nonny

    It’s great to see the money Future’s saving from the latest round of budget cuts and the slashing of page counts (cough*PCZONE*cough) is being put to such fantastic use.


    1. Anonymous9:45 am

      You know, for someone who takes such pleasure in ripping apart the games industry in every way imaginable, you seem curiously desperate to win a Games Media Award, even putting a little "click here to nominate us for the Games Media Awards" signature on everything. Sad.

    2. Oooh... they'll be scouring the email system to find out who leaked that one!

      Nice to know stuff's still getting nicked off desks, after the time when a guy walked in from the street and helped himself to laptops and cameras galore before waltzing right out again. Then did it again the following day (I surmise, cos that's when all the OXM staff's cameras was nicked.)

    3. They can spot us spill a coffee from a mile off, but do Future help out when they spot us writing yet another shitty 14 pages about studios in the North and/or Scandanavia? Do they fuck. We've had so many shitty supplements and "features" recently we've been told to do some proper games journalism. Journalism we haven't been trained to do.

    4. Anonymous1:29 pm

      Shaming somebody who pours coffee on the floor then leaves it to fester seems reasonable to me.

      They should also devote some resources to catching the filthy buggers who wipe snot on the walls of the gents toilets.

      The place is festooned with crusty, blood-encrusted, mucoid lumps that hang around for years until somebody gets round to wiping them out (I'm referring to the publishers, not the snot)

      Also somebody allegedly took a shit on the floor of the toilets in one of the Bath offices. Cameras are the only way to tame this bunch of animals.

    5. RevStu2:23 pm

      I took the shit.

    6. People leave the Balcombe Street toilets in a right shitty state sometimes. Also, a healthy pooing session should not sound like you're flinging handfuls of mud into a bucket of custard.

      Let's all eat more bran eh?

    7. Anonymous3:41 pm

      Never mind about who took the shit, it's all the people taking the piss we should crack down on.

    8. Anonymous6:06 pm

      Where'd you take the shit to Stu? For a day out in Bristol?

    9. Anonymous8:04 pm

      It was someone else's shit, which RevStu took to his website, and then charged money for other people to download. But it doesn't matter, because piracy isn't always piracy, see?

      And just so you don't act the prick, Stu, my name's Dan. Cheers!

    10. Anonymous5:06 pm

      Jesus. With the Hub coffee shop prices that's more than a quid's worth of liquid leeching into the carpet. A whole hour's wages wasted!