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    Friday, October 17, 2008

    How To Win A GMA: Be Fucking Rubbish


    Whether voted for by shills or fuckwitted readers, the GMAs have entrenched their position as the leading indicator of what’s shit about the games industry after a grand total of zero finalists we supported went on to win.


    Best Games Magazine

    What should have won: GamesTM
    What actually won: Edge

    Quick – let’s all write essential features about Scandinavian development houses and what N’Gai Croal keeps under his foreskin, and keep a very straight face whilst discussing how wonderful Japanese culture and the unnecessary overuse of the word “san” is, and it’ll be awards all round.


    Best Games Website

    What should have won: Videogaming 24/7
    What actually won: The Unreliable Eurogamer

    We’re not so bitter about this one, although VG 24/7 deserved recognition for being a start-up site that doesn’t exist solely to tell their readers how fucking wonderful they are on a daily basis. EG would have been our second choice, though.


    Best Specialist Games Writer (Print)

    Who should have won: Jon Blyth (PC Zone)
    Who actually won: Tom Francis (PC Gamer)

    How Blyth has been robbed of this for the second year running is utterly beyond us. If you want to get ahead in this game, you can forget about writing tight criticism peppered with great humour and effortless readability reminiscent of the golden age of games writing. But if you come up with your best work by tapping away on your laptop whilst squatting over and shitting onto a mirror, then you’re in with a chance for next year.


    Best Specialist Games Writer (Online)

    Who should have won: Tom Bramwell (Unreliable Eurogamer) or Pat Garratt (VG 24/7)
    Who actually won: Ellie Gibson (Unreliable Eurogamer)

    Again, we can’t be too bitter about this, as Gibson does a good job. We still would have liked Pat to have picked up the award for his sheer consistency.


    Rising Star

    Who should have won: Ed Zitron (PC Zone)
    Who actually won: Simon Millar (X360)

    Raise your hand if you read X360. Now let’s see, that’s… no-one. OK, nobody reads PC Zone either, but it’s the only mag on the list that isn’t utter shit.


    Steve Jarratt won the Games Media Legend award, FHM won the valueless mainstream press release recycler award, The Grauniad was recognised for its ridiculously overrated coverage, and the local games cock award and broadcast award wereOHWHOREALLYGIVESAFUCK THEGAMESINDUSTRYISFUCKEDBEYONDFUCKINGBELIEF.


    “Perhaps the most telling aspect of the elegance behind Klaus Lhormann’s adjunct when presenting the divergent game world into the objectivist patriarchy lies in the inherent beauty of layering the aesthetic polygonal textures utilising a simple yet profound soliloquy of ebullient assuredness.”

    There you go – stick your name on that. Next year, you’ll win a fucking award for it.

    2 comments:

    1. Anonymous9:22 am

      Come the recession, you journo fucks will be the first out.

      ReplyDelete
    2. bastardo11:35 am

      Nah, gamesTM is pretty wank nowadays. They keep on fucking around with redesigns, have no real direction and seem to be pulling in different ways.

      There's a piece in the latest issue about fucking "transmedia", so new media mash up fuck. And an article on the "emotional impact of games", maybe it'd have had some credibility had you not spent the entire article talking to fucking Danny "Super Columbine Retard" Ledonne.

      ReplyDelete