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    Tuesday, October 14, 2008

    The RAM Raider Awards 2008: Vote Now

    The trouble with heckling is that despite the smug satisfaction you get from telling a screaming fuckwitted cretin exactly what you think of them, getting caught is quite embarrassing. But seeing as our embarrassment muscles withered and died along with our souls over a decade ago, we’re yet again willing to take one for the team in the name of The RAM Raider Awards.

    Some minor tweaks to some of the categories aside, they’re exactly the same as last year’s pioneering ceremony with the notable exception of the brand new one-off special award for exceptional cuntiness to celebrate our three and a bit years of horrendous existence. As usual, you can pick as many or as few categories as you want, and then send your nominations for them (with reasons, if you like) to us through email, the comments box, Facebook, or in person.

    Everyone is eligible for everything. When we announce the winners in a few weeks, we’ll anonymise any vote explanations we use unless you’ve already made them publicly visible in the comments box or on our Facebook wall thing.

    And remember – this is the last time these awards will run, and so the last time you’ll ever get to vote.

    Here are the categories:

    Writer Of Champions 2008
    Couldn’t-Write-His-Way-Out-Of-A-Paper-Bag Writer 2008

    Who the fuck keeps getting work despite having no discernible talent when it comes to writing or games reviewing? Name and shame that cunt who keeps turning out copy that makes the search for sense and clarity akin to panning for gold.

    PR Hero 2008
    PR Cunt 2008

    Have you got to the point where instead of expecting PR husks to do their jobs, you just slope dejectedly into their offices on deadline day, drop your trousers and bend over their reception desk so they can get on with doing what they do best? Welcome to the world of games journalism – it’s not going to get any better. Ease some of the frustration by naming and shaming those fuckers whose dicks are so firmly up their own arseholes, they actually piss out of their mouths.

    Most Ridiculous Statement Masquerading As Games Journalism 2008

    Vote for anything that’s made you double-check the front of the mag to make sure it is a games publication you’ve bought rather than the Sixth-Form Philosophy Monthly group masturbation supplement. Stuff that’s featured in our own series is eligible, or you can nominate your own discoveries. What’s that? Aww, is poor baby getting all upset about getting trolled on the internet? Is baby going to cry? Well, baby should have fucking thought about that before their ego talked them into getting work writing for a commercial public readership. Cunts.

    Least Disastrous Magazine 2008
    Most Hateful Cunt-Rag Of A Magazine 2008

    One of these is sponsored by Edge. Tell us which.

    Sparkling Forum Of Wit And Glory 2008
    Forum Full O’ Cunts 2008

    What’s harder – finding the one half-decent forum out there, or managing to pin down the worst?

    Game Least Likely To Induce Suicide 2008
    Most Overrated Pile Of Shite 2008

    Tell us the least awful game you’ve sat through this year, and then nominate Spore for the second category.

    Unwankiest Blog / Personal Website 2008
    Most Disgustingly Inept Blog / Personal Website 2008

    When The Triforce was nominated by the voters for the less desirable of these awards last year, David McCarthy said, “Right, let’s see their blogs then.” We love David McCarthy.

    The RAM Raider Special Award For Cuntitude Above And Beyond The Usual Standard Of Cuntiness Expected On A Day To Day Basis Amongst Games Industry Cunts

    A brand new special one-off award to celebrate the most ridiculous quantities of cuntabulousness displayed by an individual or organisation in the three and a half years we’ve been lying on the doorstep of the games industry like an overly aqueous turd. Warning: only to be used in cases of extra-special cuntitiousness.


    Here’s where to point your magic eye before the tanks are blown:

    Comments Section – Be anonymous, pseudonymous, or loud and proud in the comments section below.


    Facebook – It’s an inarguable fact that the more “friends” you have on Facebook, the longer your electronic penis is. Ours looks like a flaccid flap of truncated linguine at the moment, so help us out by befriending us here. You can either post your votes on the wall thing, via the message function, or anonymously through the honesty box app. You can then cyberstalk and groom us until you work out who we are.

    In Person – If you know us, tell us.

    Giddy-up, beautiful readers.


    1. Anonymous9:39 am

      Dan Whitehead of Eurogamer for shittiest cunt of a writer ever. Not just 2008.

      He's one of those journalists with an instantly recognisable style. You can tell a review is his after one paragraph without looking at the name of the writer. This is not a good thing, however. Because his reviews are full pretentious bollocks and rubbish.

    2. I vote for for unwakiest blog.

    3. Anonymous11:41 am

      Could I nominate the entire team behind the god-awful wank fest that is Game Central on teletext. They seem to spend most of their time asking the few readers they have for help.


      Don't know which catagory to put it into but Most Disgustingly Inept Blog / Personal Website 2008 is probably closest.

    4. Yeah, Teletext is eligible for the Blog / Website categories.

    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

    6. Anonymous2:25 pm

      I'm voting Savygamer for the Most Disgustingly Inept Blog category. First the author begged his readers to create a Wikipedia entry for him.

      When everyone thought that was a really dumb idea, he's now begging for RAM Raider votes...

      Rather sad really.

    7. Anonymous3:54 pm

      Writer Of Champions 2008: Kieron Gillen. No, really.

      Least Disastrous Magazine 2008: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

      Most Hateful Cunt-Rag Of A Magazine 2008: I just really, really hate PC Zone. I don't even know why.

      Sparkling Forum Of Wit And Glory 2008: Dwarf Fortress'/Bay 12 Games' official forum counts.

      Forum Full O’ Cunts 2008: GameFAQs is too easy, so I'll say Something Awful's Games forum.

      Game Least Likely To Induce Suicide 2008: Armageddon Empires.

      Unwankiest Blog / Personal Website 2008: Rock, Paper, Shotgun.

      Most Disgustingly Inept Blog / Personal Website 2008: It's tabletop RPGs, but this has to be RPGpundit's atrocity of a blog:

      Dear god is he a wanker.

      The RAM Raider Special Award For Cuntitude Above And Beyond The Usual Standard Of Cuntiness Expected On A Day To Day Basis Amongst Games Industry Cunts: Derek Smart. Derek Smart. Derek Smart.

    8. Your Mum's Fat Arse4:06 pm

      "Hmm, my last few posts have been ignored and I don't have any old ones to compile into a 'best of' list any more... what to do? Oh, I know! The awards thing! Fuck writing anything genuinely scathing or original. I'll just re-tread the same old shit that drags people here in the vain hope they'll get their names mentioned. Next up, it's the least hideous journalists all over again! Yipee! I are so special!"

    9. Anonymous4:15 pm

      That's a lot of categories you're going to have to make up entries/votes for.

    10. Hmmm, I posted a comment but it doesn't seem to have worked.

      Anyway, I vote for best site.

    11. Ferdy6:16 pm

      I am voting SavyGamer for Unwankiest Blog. They post lots of deals, that's all I want to see.

    12. I'd like to vote for Robson's for least shit blog

    13. Savygamer all the way

    14. Aw shucks, thanks chris!

    15. Chris4:07 pm

      I'm with digitalgigolo on Matthew Castle. He's superb. He even got away with what was essentially a concept review of Hotel Dusk: Room 215, purely because it was so beautifully written.

      I like to think the Nintendo blog I write is fairly unwanky, but I might have to go with VG247. Or NGamer's own blog, which is updated so infrequently it couldn't ever be described as wanky. And is also mostly written by Matthew Castle, the talented bastard.

    16. Dan de la peche4:36 pm

      I'd like to vote in Game Central for being a load of shite.

      Whatever category that fits into.

      I've been reading for over ten years now, and they should have stopped it when Paul Rose quit.

      Not that it's trying to BE digitiser, but holy fuck, it's really not good.

    17. Anonymous5:31 pm

      Fuck those "Savygamer" cunts above, and give them Most Disgustingly Inept Blog 2008. And don't give them a functioning link.

      And World of Champions (now at should get Forum Full O’ Cunts 2008 for being a place specifically created to house the internet's biggest cunts.

    18. Anonymous Platypus5:35 pm

      My nominations:

      Writer Of Champions 2008: Going to agree with Matthew Castle (from NGamer) he's already a great writer and only just out of school by the looks of it. Though he is shit at playing games.

      Least Disastrous Magazine 2008: NGamer, a magazine where you can actually tell the staff enjoy videogames and the whole culture of gaming but at the same time don't take themselves too seriously. And can actually write well without coming across as pretentious or cuntish.

      Most Hateful Cunt-Rag Of A Magazine 2008: Nintendo Official Magazine (ONM). Reads as if a child wrote it. It's just one big advertisment for Nintendo and the bias is ridiculous.

      Sparkling Forum Of Wit And Glory 2008: A little place known as Formed by ex-members of the UK Gamesradar forums once the cunts at Future decided to fuck them all and concentrate on the USA side of things.

      Forum Full O’ Cunts 2008: NeoGaf. Obviously.

      Game Least Likely To Induce Suicide 2008: Fable 2, seriously I've only been playing for a day and it's already my favourite game of the year.

      Most Overrated Pile Of Shite 2008: Go on then, I'll nominate Spore.

      Unwankiest Blog / Personal Website 2008: Savvygamer. Press Start Online would be worthy if it was updated more often.


    19. sinister agent1:19 am

      Most overrated game of the year (and possibly in human history): Metal Gear Solid 4. I've already written a zillion words on why elsewhere, but let's just say it took all the worst parts of the previous games and multiplied them by several thousand, while adding only enough tiny good things to make the overwhelming shittiness of everything else even more infuriating. Even now, months later, I am brimming with hatred and contempt and finding it hard not to choke just thinking about it.

      Best blog/whatever of 2008: RPS. It's the only one I bother reading more than once a month (excluding Zero Punctuation, which doesn't really count). I'd still like to know why you don't like it, too.

      Best writer: Um. Well, I don't know. John Walker, Kieron Gillen and Ben Croshaw come to mind, but not for anything in particular. Just amusing me more and more consistently than anyone else, but also being pretty informative. And they seem like such chaps.

      Game of the Year: Mount & Blade. Very rough around the edges, and still full of poorly-implemented features that should have been left out entirely, still generally trying to do more than it really should, but fuck, it's still so much goddamn fun to run around hacking people up. There's never been better sword and bow combat in a game, never mind the horses. Even after about two years, I still find myself staying up until 4am and roaring with triumph when I lodge a javelin in a charging knight's head, then make off with his horse, giggling. This is what swordy games should have been from the start.

      Forum of 2008: I ... I abstain. Sob. I'd vote for WoS, but it's just been too quiet. I don't hate any other particular forum any more than all the others, so that one's a blank for me, too.

      PR ones: Meh, they're probably all tossers.

      Magazine ones: There are still games magazines?

      Twatty writer of the year: Meh. I don't even notice most of them, to be honest.

      Wanky statement of the year: I'm tempted to go with Oli Welsh's MGS4 review (about two thirds of the entire thing), but it's probably not the most pretentious out there. Abstain.

    20. Anonymous10:00 am

      Anyone else get the whiff of preschool reading these replies? Votes for navel gazers like Gillen, unwarranted hatred for magazine A or forum B, and still thinking it's funny to mention Derek Smart would indicate that everyone here is 11 years old.

      Yes the mainstream games industry is shit and for children. Delete this web site and get another job.

    21. Anonymous3:34 pm

      Unwankiest Blog / Personal Website 2008
      Sometimes they're funny, they have good bargains, and the podcast interviews are interesting

    22. Anonymous9:21 am

      The RAM Raider Special Award For Cuntitude Above And Beyond The Usual Standard Of Cuntiness Expected On A Day To Day Basis Amongst Games Industry Cunts:

      Ubisoft. Lying, cheating and arrogant SCUM.

    23. Anonymous10:04 pm

      Best mag? NGamer

      Best Writer? Matthew Castle

      Best Blog? The Ram Raider. The internet will be a cuntier place without you.


    24. Anonymous2:02 pm

      All these entries and no nominations for Bruce Everiss yet? Uncanny. Obvious cunt of the year for being part of a management team in the 1980s who blew a zillion pounds on sportscars and adverts for fuckall while the company they were supposed to be running went to the wall, then 20 years later trying to blame it on schoolkids with £19.99 twin tape deck stereos from Dixons despite actually admitting it years earlier, then going out of his way to destroy, delete or intimidate anyone who pointed out what a stupid fuckoid he was being.

    25. Anonymous3:47 pm

      I nominate SavyGamer for shittest blog. Fair enough with the games bargains and stuff, great idea, but the reviews are rubbish. The guy isn't a journalist and should stick to bargain hunting

    26. Anonymous3:05 pm

      Ah... Rammy's blog... where petulant morons gather to grant themselves a self-congratulatory wank over yet another entirely mirthless use of the word 'cunt', where a simple full-stop would have sufficed.


    27. Anonymous8:51 am

      DX, you are a .

      (oh come on, you left yourself wiiiiiiiide open...)

    28. Anonymous9:40 am

      PR cunt - Shaun White from EA. What an ignorant shit he is. I hope he dies in a fire

    29. Anonymous2:17 pm

      I love how your mum's fat arse has a style identical to Rammy's, and is dedicated to posting in the comments, and yet seems to disapprove of him. I smell sexy tension.