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    Monday, December 22, 2008

    The Future Publishing Christmas Party

    Every year, the glorious fatherland of Future Publishing throws a Christmas party for all of its minions. Because they care.

    2007’s Christmas party was much like any other: jam-packed full of cunts. A cheap selection box of cunts; a hairy, stinking pit of gash, if you will. After all, no cunts clutter up the toilets quite like the targets-driven cunts in marketing.

    But you do what everyone does in parties: find the people you like and stick to them like shit, thankful you're not draped alone over a flotsam plank, drowning in the free wine.

    To be honest, we might as well spout off about estate agents for all the predictable shit about advertisers and marketers we could bring up. But what really fucked our pipes of pissiness was that year’s replacement for “the lottery”. In previous years, they simply sold the tickets to the Bath offices (home of the Bath Elitorati) who’d got there first.

    This year, because they’d forgotten to sell any lottery tickets, or perhaps because they thought that a company called “Future” shouldn't be seen openly using cloakroom tickets, they played a game called “Heads Or Tails”. This game, ideal for parties where you have a manageable number of people – who aren't massive, lying cunts – involves all players putting their hands on their head or their arse. The compere flips a coin, and anyone who has their hands on the inappropriate part of their body sits down.

    The first round involved whittling the crowd down to a manageable number. It’s also the round where you’re least likely to get caught cheating – your lying, greedy hands can be moved quickly to correspond with the coin toss, and you’re surrounded by your friends. Your friends might be quietly disgusted by your barefaced grasping, but they won’t grass you up. And hey – they’re sat down, the fucking losers.

    We stopped playing after the second flip to look around. Two main groups of people emerged – people looking around to their friends, saying “what the fuck are we being asked to do, couldn’t they buy some cloakroom tickets out of the money they’ve saved by sacking everyone,” and people earnestly copying the calls of the coin quickly enough to convince everyone around them that they were “just thinking about it”.

    It’s worth mentioning at this stage that only a third of the attendees had a chair, making it impossible for them to sit down.

    The finalists were invited onto the stage. At this point, the eyes of the audience are on you, so you can’t cheat. Or... so you’d think. A certain magazine editor swapped his hands immediately after the call, before being escorted from the stage in the next round. But most brazen, most sickening, and most victorious was the harpie shit in the backless dress who spent two rounds with one hand on her arse, and one on her head. Genius, in a sleazy little way. But standing there in front of everyone? That took cuntlips of steel, and she fucking had them.

    So, that’s where we’re left – back at the beginning. Realising we’re all part of a company that doesn’t understand parlour games, let alone video games. A company that doesn’t just reward lies, cheating and shitting on your colleagues, but makes that preference (or, most charitably, their utter indifference) explicit, by openly rewarding the biggest, most shameless fucking thief in the company. Also, the lack of chairs was a lovely metaphor for a company that tells you to do something, but makes it impossible to do so honestly.

    It made us puke. Well, something made us puke that night.

    17 comments:

    1. Anonymous9:02 am

      LOL, Rammy I normally agree with you but surely you are taking the Christmas Party just a tad too seriously.

      ReplyDelete
    2. Anonymous9:49 am

      Some further explanation is required - why weren't there enough chairs? What is this lottery?

      ReplyDelete
    3. Anonymous9:56 am

      So does this mean you didn't enjoy the party, Adam?

      ReplyDelete
    4. Your Mum's Fat Arse10:21 am

      What the shit? That's the most confusing fucking thing I've ever read.

      What was the point the author (because I know it wasn't you) trying to make? "Future are a bit crap and they had a crap party"?

      WELL STOP THE FUCKING PRESS. ANOTHER EXCLUSIVE FOR THE RAM RAIDER. SUDDENLY THIS BLOG SEEMS WORTH IT!

      If you're going to use read contributions, at least fucking edit them a bit. MADE NO SENSE.

      FUCK SAKE, THIS BLOG MAKES MY PISS BOIL

      ReplyDelete
    5. Blissett4:47 pm

      Blimey, it's good fun watching someone jump the shark in real-time. Congrats Rammy, that was a prodigious leap!

      ReplyDelete
    6. Anonymous5:48 pm

      Jesus christ at least you got a christmas party you ungrateful cunt

      ReplyDelete
    7. Anonymous9:53 am

      BOOHOOHOO.

      Do you work for EA or something? GET A BETTER JOB, or whinge about it anonymously.

      ReplyDelete
    8. Anonymous10:25 am

      What's a 'read contribution' you cunt?

      ReplyDelete
    9. I laughed, then I read some of the comments, and I laughed again. :D

      ReplyDelete
    10. Some people in these comments have clearly never worked for an company or industry that seems to actively try and suck all your life and joy out of you like some inconcevably evil, yet mentally challenged vampire.

      Mine was games development, not journalism. The games industry is screwed up.

      ReplyDelete
    11. Blissett10:47 pm

      No, your right Lemmy. Only in the games industry would you have to suffer the indignity of having to stand up and play a parlour game that some people cheat at. How they manage to entice any good people to sign up for this shit is quite beyond me.

      I heard that Imagine made their staff play blind mans buff with a blindfold that had a hole in.

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    12. Yes. Because shit Christmas parties are clearly the cause of all ills in the games industry.

      I'm just saying some shitty Christmas booze up doesn't excuse the twelve months leading up to it. And if you can't imagine being embittered by such things enough to rant about it on a blog, then you've obviously not been working at the 'right' places. That was all I was saying.

      All my knowledge of what Future is like is second-hand, but it seems eerily reminicant of every single place I've ever worked in the industry and I can only conclude from this that the industry is all fucked up.

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    13. Hooray. I wasn't there. I'm definitely not the Ram Raider!

      I've never been so relieved in all my life.

      ReplyDelete
    14. Anonymous11:56 am

      Did it take you a year to research this event in all that detail?

      ReplyDelete
    15. Anonymous1:02 pm

      surely this is talking about the Christmas party in 2007 - because this year there was a lottery, and there were no silly games like that.

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    16. A lottery appears quite mediocre in comparison to whatever the Hell that was. I know a lot of Future's staff may be baby-faced, but that's no reason to play quite strange and childish games to pass the time at a party. They coulda held it at McDonalds for all the difference it appears to have made.

      ReplyDelete
    17. Husk3571:06 pm

      if you were there you still have a job, no matter how much you might hate it (to echo what one of the other anonymous knights said - if you don't like it GET A NEW FUCKING JOB!). In the light of Games Developers, Games Publishers and Mgazine Publishers cutting staff left, right and centre - and cancelling Christmas parties in a lot of cases - why don't you all have a quiet think about how fortunate you are to be employed in such awful times for the UK economy and grow up a little?

      Just a thought!

      ReplyDelete