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    Tuesday, December 16, 2008

    RR Most Overrated Pile Of Shite 2008: Little Big Planet

    This was a closely fought contest between the emperor’s new platformer and MGS4, but the former won out in the end.

    Genre aside, LBP isn’t a million miles away from Halo. Neither are especially bad games, but they both seem to have attracted the same plaudits from poorly informed games journos and gamers alike solely on the basis that they do something for the first time on a console that’s been done before, better, many years ago on other formats. Seriously, there’s a thousand fucking platformers that are longer, better designed and don’t control like a spastic’s second-hand wheelchair on a potholed council estate, and they started appearing over twenty years ago. Similarly, level editors have been given away since the dawn of time. So what is it that’s so great about a game that does what public domain stuff on floppies could do on the Amiga in the nineties? That’s right: fuck all.

    Lending further credibility to this award is the fact that we have it on good authority that Edge is naming LBP as the best game of 2008 in their next issue. [Edit: Apparently the subs issues have already been sent out, which kinda devalues that little nugget – sorry]

    Fuck Edge, though – here are some of the views that count:


    “It’s gotta be LittleBigPlanet. It’s a 2D platformer that expects ME to create the levels? Fuck right off. And it controls like shit.”
    Anonymous Knight, via email

    “Can someone tell me what the fuss is all about, because I’ve played longer than I would’ve done whilst searching for the point I must be missing.”
    BeePee, via email

    “An alright platform game with a fiddly level editor is the best thing ever. All the shills said so, so it must be true.”
    Anonymous Knight, via Facebook


    It’s worth mentioning that it sold nowhere near the amount Sony and several editors thought it would, and it barely dented the charts. That’s what the gaming public telling Sony and their paid for mouthpieces to fuck off looks like.

    MGS4 is in second place, our Anonymous Knights apparently agreeing with our review:

    “Most overrated game of the year (and possibly in human history): Metal Gear Solid 4. I’ve already written a zillion words on why elsewhere, but let’s just say it took all the worst parts of the previous games and multiplied them by several thousand, while adding only enough tiny good things to make the overwhelming shittiness of everything else even more infuriating. Even now, months later, I am brimming with hatred and contempt and finding it hard not to choke just thinking about it.”
    Sinister Agent, via comments


    Other notable nominations include No More Heroes:

    “Fuck every single game on the Wii, but especially this.”
    Anonymous Knight, via email



    And our own personal tip for the top, the less-than-revolutionary Spore:

    “Go on then, I’ll nominate Spore.”
    Anonymous Platypus, via comments

    6 comments:

    1. Anonymous10:37 am

      There’s a thousand fucking platformers that are longer

      Apart from the fact that judging a game by its length is one of the most amusing pieces of dribbling fliddery to have been strained, squeezed and ultimately shitted out of your twisted, dehydrated little brain to date, how can any platform game be 'longer' than LittleBigPlanet? It grows in size every day, you total fucking spack.

      Now go and sit in the corner. No Christmas pudding for you.

      ReplyDelete
    2. Anonymous12:24 pm

      You know what I call Spore? I call it Poor! Oh, and Lame of the Year... oh, I also call it... no I am bored with that already.

      Just like Spore!

      ReplyDelete
    3. Anonymous11:19 pm

      Slagging off No More Heroes? For fuck's sake. Don't people like games that are just daft fun anymore?

      ReplyDelete
    4. Anonymous11:51 am

      YOU SAID

      There’s a thousand fucking platformers that are longer

      HE SAID

      There’s a thousand fucking platformers that are longer, better designed and don’t control like a spastic’s second-hand wheelchair on a potholed council estate

      DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID, YOU FOCUSSED ON ONE THING YOU DISAGREED WITH AND PRETENDED THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS SAID. IT'S CALLED A "CUNT'S TRICK". SORRY ABOUT THE SHOUTING BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE SHOUTED AT

      ReplyDelete
    5. Anonymous3:26 pm

      YOU SAID

      There’s a thousand fucking platformers that are longer

      HE SAID

      There’s a thousand fucking platformers that are longer, better designed and don’t control like a spastic’s second-hand wheelchair on a potholed council estate

      DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID, YOU FOCUSSED ON ONE THING YOU DISAGREED WITH AND PRETENDED THAT WAS ALL THAT WAS SAID.


      Nah, I would've put a full stop at the end of the sentence if that was my intention. Sorry, try again!

      For the record, I also disagree with the claim that there are a thousand platform games out there that are better designed than LittleBigPlanet. There could well be a thousand that don't control like a spastic’s second-hand wheelchair on a potholed council estate, though. In fact, I don't think any platform game is controlled by sitting on a seat and using your hands to manually turn wheels situated either side. I'm prepared to believe that you move yourself around in such a manner, however, perhaps occasionally having a break when your girlfriend gets home from her nights out licking tramps' balls and gives you a push.

      IT'S CALLED A "CUNT'S TRICK". SORRY ABOUT THE SHOUTING BUT YOU REALLY NEED TO BE SHOUTED AT

      I did a poo and it looked like you.

      ReplyDelete
    6. My mum just asked me what I thought was the game of the year, and I said LittleBigPlanet. Guess that makes me a c-word then.

      ReplyDelete