Showing posts with label Cunts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cunts. Show all posts

03 May, 2007

Why The Mail On Sunday Got It Right


It’s not unusual for the non-specialist press to get it completely wrong when it comes to games, but nobody cares. Anyone who’s a proper gamer knows it’s all bollocks, and bad press almost always means better game sales. Last Sunday, the Mail On Sunday led with a front headline of “Slaughtered”, and featured pictures taken from Official PlayStation Magazine’s giddy-schoolboy account of a pathetic press event for God Of War 2. Whilst it was embarrassing enough that what’s viewed as a “leading” games publication was getting all excited at naked breasts, what had really offended the sensibilities of The Mail was the decapitated slaughtered goat from which offal was being offered to the motley collection of journalists.

As soon as Sony found out one of its pathetic “look at me” press events had been given the front page of, as much as everyone likes to criticise it, one of the country’s best-selling newspapers, it immediately back-pedalled by issuing an apology and launching an enquiry. As soon as Future Publishing found out its magazine had made the front page, the brass acted just as steadfastly by… pulling the entire print run of their excuse for a magazine and are now busily ripping out the pages.

It’s so easy to sit back and criticise newspapers for their games coverage, as they always get it hopelessly wrong. Whether games are being linked to knife attacks or GTA is being blamed for the world’s evils, we, as gamers, know it’s just misinformed shit which heretic non-gamers, who nobody cares about anyway, will tut at and everybody else will laugh at. In this instance though, the Mail On Sunday got it right.

Having a decapitated slaughtered goat at a press event and splashing it over the pages of a shit kiddy magazine was totally misjudged. Sony has admitted it was misjudged by grovelling when confronted, and Future has agreed that they fucked up too by withdrawing its OPSM bog roll. The MoS isn’t entirely right – their “review” of the game by “expert” Rob Waugh, whose usual remit is rewriting press releases to make them even more superficial, is woeful (Waugh-ful! Sorry…) However, the games industry has no right to criticise the MoS for running the story.

MCV has reported Tim Wapshott, described as a “veteran industry writer”, describing the story as “screaming”. They’ve also quoted Steve Boxer, hilariously and pathetically all at once described as a “senior games journalist”, whatever the fuck that is, slagging off the MoS with the usual “they always get it wrong” shit.

The industry has already been shamed by being tarred with Sony and Future’s brush of stupidity and gormlessness. Sony hasn’t exactly had the best PR record since the PSP and PS3 have dirtied shop shelves. Even before then, they’ve not precisely nailed the PR machine. We remember a friend who had been into hospital and had a head x-ray about 10 years ago. A week or two later, a mailing marked “urgent” arrived, and in it were plastic reproductions of head x-rays with a letter worded as though he had a serious illness. He realised as he read further down the letter that it was some bullshit Sony “game brain” crap, but not until he’d almost had a nervous breakdown at the thought of being notified to see his doctor urgently after having a head x-ray. Complaining to Sony, they just sent back a letter saying how they were being “fresh”. No Sony – you were being fucking arseholes, just like you are now.

Anyway, that’s what we think to Sony, and you all know what we think to Future. But MCV, who we respect, shouldn’t be wading in with comments from “senior” and “veteran” journalists, who obviously have no vested interest in sticking the knife in because it’s not like they write for competing papers like The Times, The Guardian and The Mirror, or anything, and presenting it as an industry view.

The industry is full of journalists. Many of them are shit, many (but a lot less) of them are great. When the industry as a whole has been humiliated by the stupidity of Sony and Future’s money-grabbing attention-seeking antics, it needs to be left to the specialist journalists – the good specialist journalists – to comment, and say, “yeah, Sony and Future fucked up, we think they’re stupid”. The opportunistic rival newspaper wankers can keep their opinions to their own rags.

Will this industry ever be free of vested interests?

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Our 2nd Birthday Q&A will be up soon.

04 April, 2007

Edge = Spineless Fucks


Reading Edge is wrong on so many levels, there literally isn’t room on the whole of the web to list them. The pretentious prick-fest that calls itself monthly journalism is getting a lot of attention at the moment because they’ve been even more spineless than usual. And that’s saying something.

Former Digitiser editor Paul Rose / Mr. Biffo usually writes the only page of the “mag” that’s even close to readable every month, and is always refreshingly free of penis-sucking platitudes and over-use of Word’s “Synonyms” option to pick the longest words. This month, Edge has seen fit to pull his monthly opinion page because he commits the unforgivable sin of telling an amusing story about how Sony husk Phil Harrison hijacked a Marillion concert by turning it into a corporate plug for the despicable PS3, contrary to Future Publishing Commandment “Though shalt not biteth the cocketh that fucketh our readers in the arseth for money. Eth.”

Recognising that reporting the truth about Sony cunts and their ridiculous antics is what proper journalists do, Paul has published the article on his excellent blog.

So now you can hate Sony and their nosediving sales figures and read the only readable page in Edge without having to buy it / hang around a newsagent / fish it out the office bin right now, for free. Future, in the meantime, are safe to carry on selling the varnished covers of not-very-popular-in-terms-of-reader-figures-despite-what-they-make-out Edge for another month.

14 September, 2006

Capcom Are Cunts About Dead Rising

Yet another multi-million pound corporation doesn’t bother to test its product properly before selling it to you. The result? You can’t read the text in Dead Rising if you’re playing on a normal TV.

Capcom’s Response: “Due to the amount of text and the size of the patch necessary to change the text, a patch isn't possible for this issue. We had asked the team if it was even possible but ... due to the scope of what a patch would need to cover, it wasn't possible.”

Translation: “Fuck you.”

We Say: Take Dead Rising back to the shop and demand a refund – it’s faulty. And slip a note inside the instruction manual that says “Fuck you too, you money-grabbing cunts.”

07 September, 2006

Sony’s Arrogance Pays Off… For Everyone But Sony


We usually steer clear of stories like this which the whole world has already flogged to death, but it would be a shame not to jump on a bandwagon as beautiful as this.

Here are some choice comments from SCEE chief twat David Reeves being a smug cunt in the glorious MCV earlier this year, as reported by gamepro.com:

“David Reeves, the head of Sony's European PlayStation 3 launch, has gone on record in MCV
as saying that 'it is my job to match [the European PS3 launch] with the U.S launch,' adding that 'I am doing my very best to make that happen.'

Reeves also takes a moment to scold analysts who speculate about a possible PS3 delay, saying 'no one really knows the facts.' Reeves goes on to say that he is 'very, very confident' about Sony's launch plans for the PS3.”


Well Dave, we’re “very, very confident” that the analysts are laughing in your cocky face, and you’ve failed to do your job.

Let’s face it, after watching Sony i) fucking up the launch of the PSP, ii) turning the PSP into a white elephant that’s been shoved aside by the Nintendo DS, and iii) replacing the PS3 controller with an old dual shock with the rumble pack replaced with a motion sensor in a panicked reactionary response to the Nintendo Wii controller, the analysts had plenty to go on.

Happy Christmas, Sony!

29 August, 2006

Future Haemorrhages Credibility

We’ve already told you about Future’s loss of readers and money. Now we’re going to tell you why.

Future is desperate to put a positive spin on readers flocking away from their magazines along with their money. In last week’s omnipotent trade-weekly MCV (happy now, Lisa?), they summoned their mouthpiece James Ashton-Tyler to take a leaf out of Sony’s book of PR arrogance. In one fell swoop, he brushed aside a suggestion that hadn’t been made in the first place that websites are killing mags all whilst sidestepping the real reason Future is haemorrhaging readers and money.

The discussion about websites taking over from the mags has been limping along for years, but has never been convincing. Although websites provide up-to-the-second news and reviews for free, the writing itself has always been questionable. Even the websites championed as spearheading the online games-info revolution attract the dregs of the industry. The unreliable Eurogamer and IGN lead the way in posting up woefully bad copy that’s uninformed, overly-indulgent or both.

Magazines have always been the place to go to read the views of the industry’s leading critics. You have to pay a few quid for the privilege, and mag lead times mean that reviews might be published a bit later than the instant-update websites, but the money and wait has always been worth it for well-written, funny, honest views to help you spend your money.

Not any more.

Despite Ashton-Tyler’s snide comments in MCV, Future is running scared of its online competition. They’re so frightened, they’ll do anything to compete. They’ll publish official magazines for unreleased consoles that their journalists haven’t played with yet. They’ll set-up “world exclusive” reviews to give the illusion of being ahead of the websites. They’re so desperate, they’ll jump into bed with publishers and lie to their readers to keep the illusion running.

The October issue of PC Gamer is in the shops on Thursday. Inside is an 8 page “world exclusive” review of Company of Heroes. Although it takes Tim Edwards a while to get going (“I could tell war stories all day, but you might want to know how CoH actually plays” says Edwards on the sixth page) but it’s an otherwise reasonable account of the game. From what we’ve played of CoH, it’s a very good game which will probably be worth its 94% when finished. The trouble is, there’s so much dishonesty and deceit around it all, they’re not even trying to hide it any more.

Page 44-45 has a two page advert for Company of Heroes featuring a quote and the score from the review which, remember, is in the same issue. The front cover is adorned with CoH worshipping. “BEST RTS SCORE EVER” lies the front cover, as later on the magazine cheerfully reminds the reader the 95% they awarded Rome: Total War in issue 141. The last time we checked, 95% is higher than 94%.

It screams dishonesty. They’re so desperate to beat the websites to a review, they’ll base the review of the game on unfinished pre-release code. The guy who reviews it will be flown around the white cliffs of Dover in a WWII plane to France, and wined and dined in a luxury hotel and casino. His fellow journalists will be sat in front of preview code to write previews whilst he’s given “world exclusive” unfinished "review" code. Future will give the advertisers the score and a quote from the review as part of the deal. A lie will be told on the front cover.

It’s been going on for years. The RAM Raider has written reviews for magazines from disks with “preview code” written on them. The RAM Raider has written reviews for magazines from code that’s less than 75% finished. It’s becoming more of an open secret now, and the readers are realising.

This is why magazines are dying. They’re dishonouring themselves by reviewing unfinished code and making advertising-for-coverage deals. They’re cheapening the quality of an excellent game by reviewing it through dishonesty.

That’s why Future is haemorrhaging readers. That’s why Future is haemorrhaging money. If its morals and honesty are haemorrhaged too, more readers will realise they’re being lied to.

Would you rather read a “world exclusive” review of unfinished code in conjunction with advertisers, or a later review of finished code that’s independent and uncensored?

24 December, 2005

Merry Christmas From GMX Media!


We love this time of year, especially when firms take the time and trouble to send out messages of Christmas cheer and goodwill. One of our readers received this “Christmas card” from GMX Media and was instantly filled with seasonal spirit.

“Wow, really nice of GMX to send out a Christmas card and not, for example, a blatant advert with the words season's greetings tacked on.”


Christmas in the GMX household must be great.

“But daddy – I wanted an Xbox360 for Christmas”

“You’ll take this leaflet about our shit games and bloody well like it. And make sure you show all your friends at school. And their parents”


At least the e-mail provided an address to complain to if the contents of it were spam. Seeing as an advert posing as a Christmas card is obviously spam, we’ll be e-mailing steven@gmxmedia.net to tell him, and urge you to as well.


Happy Christmas, readers!

30 November, 2005

FIFA 06: EA Don’t Want You To Know It’s Shit


Sharp-eyed readers recently noticed that http://www.eurogamer.net/ were forced to pull their review of FIFA 06: Road to FIFA World Cup for Xbox360 because it was embargoed until the 2nd December. As the game is going to be released on the 2nd December, and EG gave it an impressive 2/10, it would be easy to assume that EA would rather you all bought it before reading bad things about it.

If you’re thinking of buying it, it’s only fair you read EG’s review first, so here it is. (We’ll remove it as soon as EG put it back up on their site)


(2/12/05 EDIT: EG has put the review back up now the embargo has passed - http://www.eurogamer.net/article.php?article_id=61919)

22 November, 2005

Official Xbox360 Magazine Does “It” Again


We had it all planned out. We were going to post a huge critique of issue 2 of Official Xbox 360 Magazine. We were going to scream from the tops of our lungs about how painfully obvious it is that their “world exclusive review” of Perfect Dark Zero was written after playing unfinished code. We were going to crow about how the writer hasn’t even been identified, with a crap cartoon image and the name “Justin Thyme” being substituted for his real details because of the wrongdoing. We were even going to ask how Future can justify asking £6 for a magazine that still has a DVD full of video clips instead of playable demos hidden inside the ridiculous box.

But we’re not going to do that.

Instead, we’re going to ask the brilliantly talented team behind the magazine (Cutlack! He writes the funny bits of UK:R!) to please put a stop to this nonsense. Let’s have no more “exclusives” derived from unfinished code written by journalists unable to even put their name to them. Tell your bosses at your next meeting that you want honesty in your magazine.

Is that too much to ask?

03 October, 2005

Future issue 130 page press release for £6

…and it’s called Xbox360 The Official Xbox Magazine.

It’s only natural that in the wake of a new console, a skipload of new magazines are going to pop up to cover its launch. It’s also natural that the world-domineering Future Publishing has secured the official Xbox360 licence.

Being on the shelves in mid-September, nearly three months before the console is out, thousands of eager readers must have snapped up the first issue to read some decent journalistic coverage of the Xbox360 and its games. After all, surely the staff of the official magazine has access to Bill’s new console?

Future’s favourite trick of hiding a dodgy issue inside a sealed box has been wheeled out, and opening it up after shelling out six quid will tell you why. A thin and miserable varnished Microsoft advertorial with a DVD full of tech movies running off a PC is rattling around inside.

A regurgitation of the spec sheets makes up some of the mag, masquerading as journalism. We lost count of how many times the proclamation “The graphics rock!” was bolted onto the end of a nonsense-sentence about the tech specs. And would it really have been too much to ask for someone to check the totally wrong page numbers in the A-Z game index?

Even the mighty Cutlack (UK:Resistance, we salute you) fails to save the coverage of the games, which is a dismal selection of rewritten press information and glossy screenshots that we’d bet our tattered careers on baring no resemblance to the final products.

Yes, citizens, again you’re being sold a lie. Despite the promise of “exclusive playtests” in the mag, and the promise “we play the best console launch lineup ever seen” on the cover, at the time of writing the magazine the staff hadn’t gone near a finished console, but were still ordered by their paymasters to get a rewritten press release out onto the shelves.
For six fucking quid.

12 May, 2005

Future looking for new mugs

After a spell of losing staff faster than their credibility, Future are advertising for “four experienced gamers” to join their London office as trainees. Promising opportunities to work on the woeful Official Xbox Magazine and PSW, the RAM Raider was especially interested in Future’s requirements.

- An exhaustive knowledge of videogames and a passion for playing them (well, it was only a matter of time before Future realised their writers need to actually be gamers)

- A creative mind itching to express itself in print in an entertaining and original way (so they’re not looking for writers for Edge then)

- A bright, outgoing personality who can get along with anyone (in other words, can bend over and take it up the arse from the PR people so they can exchange high scores for advertising)

- A desire to learn and succeed (presumably to succeed at being a low paid skivvy that writes shit about games they’ve barely played)

Better still is what they’re not interested in:

- The size, shape or colour of your academic record (we’ll give them that – you’re either a decent writer or you’re shit, so well done Future)

- Why “old games are better than new ones, actually” (so anyone that actually has experience of old games – yet again, Future fail to grasp the importance of being involved in the industry from the golden era)

- Post-Freudian rationalisation of the Mario/Wario relationship dynamic in Super-Famicom releases ’91 to ’94 (so they’re definitely not looking for writers for Edge)

Judging by the number of comments attached to the post, it looks like loads of naïve forumites are seriously considering applying. The RAM Raider implores you not to, for the sake of your own sanity and well being. Working at the stinking London office doing shitty menial tasks that nobody else wants for a disgustingly low wage is not what you want to do in life.

You might love gaming, but Future only love their wallets.

16 April, 2005

Pointless press release of the week goes to…

…Official PlayStation 2 Magazine, who have… (drum roll)… got some previews and reviews in their latest issue. Well fucking done guys. With OPS2 counting amongst the lamest of the dismal PS2 mags doing the rounds, the RAM Raider can see why Future need to push out a press release to announce the amazing fact that they've done their jobs for once.

It’s even accompanied by an official statement by editor Stephen “I hate my track suit wearing readers” Pierce:

"The force is strong with this issue, making it the best OPS2 ever (customary shit press release gag over with early – well done). We have the amazing Star Wars blow-out, which couldn't be better timed to build up excitement for the movie (can’t resist letting slip the real reason for securing those ‘exclusives’, can you Steve) – as well as loads more (yes – Reviews! Previews! Hearty congratulations). We have the biggest selection of first-look exclusives ever assembled in one magazine (we’re assuming you have the facts to back that up, Steve?), and have covered the titles gamers really want to get their hands on (good tactic – a lesser editor would just pick a load of shite that nobody gives a fuck about). With the essential covermounted DVD, this illustrates why OPS2 is by far the best videogame magazine you can buy."

Well, the RAM Raider's convinced.

13 April, 2005

Deadlines & How Long Reviewers Spend Playing Games – The Truth

The RAM Raider spotted a discussion on a fansite writers' forum recently about deadlines. The comment “I think 2 days is a bit short notice” particularly caught my attention. After all, we’re talking about an unpaid writer coming up with shit about a game, for free, that nobody will read.

These people have no idea. As a professional games journalist, two days is a bloody luxury. The RAM Raider has often been landed with reviews from magazines with a day to turn around up to 1000 words, plus screenshots, plus captions, plus boxouts. The record has to be 22 hours from one of the major PC mags – that’s to play a game, and write up the review plus bullshit extras.

Remember the Headhunter: Redemption debacle, where that poor guy from Official Xbox Magazine had his name dragged through the mud by the game’s developers who revealed on the magazine’s forums (which were naturally deleted by Future, but there’s
more here) that he’d simply regurgitated facts about the game from an old press release, revealing that he hadn’t played it properly? Despite Future’s desperate attempts to deny the accusations, the RAM Raider has learned from one his colleagues on the mag that he actually had barely played the game at all, as he was completely snowed under with a load of games and not enough time to review them.

How much time is spent playing a game for a review isn’t always down to the deadline though. As a general rule, the less space a review takes up, the less time the reviewer will spend on it. If it’s half a page in a magazine, the reviewer can expect £40-50 at the most, and less than half of that for a quarter of a page. For that kind of money, it’s just not worth spending hours on a game, so more often than not, a review will be knocked out after a couple hours of play at best.

So, the next time you’re reading a review section introduction with the lofty promise of a magazine’s reviewers playing games right through to the finish, you can now confidently think to yourself, “bollocks”. Yes, dear reader, quite often the review of a game you’ll be thinking of spending £40 on in a magazine that cost you a fiver will have been cobbled together by some poor/lazy guy who’s played it for a couple of hours.

11 April, 2005

Future Publishing – Interfering & Monopolising

MCV (the gaming industry’s trade mag) is becoming less and less relevant to the industry. The editorial does little more than state the obvious at the best of times, while letting soulless suits masturbate their companies across their pages.
A series of editorials from Future Publishing mag journalists turned into an embarrassing set of mishaps, kicked off by Official UK PlayStation Magazine editor Stephen Pierce slagging off his entire readership. This was followed up nicely by PSM2 Magazine’s Andrew Kelly short-sightedly, and unnecessarily aggressively, writing off the retro market and anyone who has an interest in it (in other words, anyone who’s played games for more than five minutes, thus making them more qualified to comment on games than Andrew Kelly).

The odd interesting interaction between industry knowns (and unknowns) does occasionally pop up though. Recently, Eurogamer.net editor Kristan Reed had a moan in MCV’s less than hallowed pages about Future Publishing effectively monopolising the games magazine market. Racing to slip on his company-bitch suit, PC Zone editor Dave Woods was quick to respond in a letter published the following week entitled, “We’re still fiercely independent at Future.”

After accusing Kristan Reed of behaving unprofessionally, Woods announces, “There hasn’t been a single attempt to interfere in the editorial side of the magazine.”

Considering this was published shortly after Future Publishing had ordered the author of the magazine’s monthly column on games emulation, Stuart Campbell, to no longer be used because of a disagreement that took place in the past over payment, the RAM Raider can only assume that Woods must have been suffering from some sort of temporary amnesia. Either that, or he was acting on orders from above.