The Inexplicable Madness

Seven games journos from the Unreliable EuroGamer talk sense about Little Big Planet:

Dan Whitehead: I’m honestly quite surprised to find LBP at the top of the heap. Few games made me grind my teeth more in 2008. It looks lovely and is bursting with charm and clever ideas, and has Stephen Fry’s rich mahogany narration, but...it’s just not very good at being a platform game. Is that just me? The floaty ambience, unpredictable environments and crude checkpoint system all made it a bit of a chore to get through, as far as I’m concerned. Platforming requires precision, and that’s something that LittleBigPlanet just doesn’t have. It’s as woolly as its star.

Simon Parkin: That the responsibility for the game’s greatness rests on us and not on the developer is unusual, and for that reason the endless plaudits make me uneasy.

Tom Bramwell: I almost feel guilty that it wasn’t on my list at all, but it leaves me completely cold: the platforming is overburdened with self-conscious presentation its imprecise controls and frustrating checkpoints fail to justify, and the editor was too slow and complicated for my pathetic brain to bother with.

Kristan Reed: Pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to seems to agree that LBP makes for a fairly boring single-player experience, but becomes absolutely mesmerising in co-op with the right player. The online lag is ruinous most of the time, and the added inertia on the jump mechanic makes it needlessly fiddly when the going gets tough.

Kieron Gillen: I can’t help but wonder - if a game’s based around user-generated content, and the fact you’re on a console means that you can’t actually let gamers generate their content without half of it being deleted because it infringes some copyright or another... isn’t that just a fundamentally flawed concept?

John Walker: All I’ve read about this is that the platforming is rubbish, and you have to make your own if you want to play a decent level.

Rob Fahey: I’m surprised that this is number one… It’s not my personal favourite game of 2008.


Perfection. Except, they’re all talking about why Little Big Planet is the Unreliable EuroGamer’s number 1 game of the year.

Excuse us while our heads explode.

We Are Three (Years And One Month Old)

So strong is the apathy surrounding this blog that even we forgot its birthday last month until it was too late. (EDIT: And even this month we forgot to publish this when we were supposed to.) It’s kind of a shame not to mark the occasion, though.

There’s not much point in going over the story yet again of how The RAM Raider was born, why it was born, and why nobody gives a fuck, because we’ve already done that for our first and second birthdays which are in the archive. Looking back over the years though, it strikes us just how similar the games industry is now compared to when we first started writing for the arse-end of the internet.

What surprises us the most is just how naive the majority of gamers still seem to be. When Jeff Gerstmann was sacked from GameSpot last year, there was genuine shock and surprise amongst their readership. Gamers were mortified that that kind of stuff was going on behind closed doors. At the same time, we, along with every other games journalist, were surprised only that GameSpot had let this dirty little secret be displayed so publicly.

Being the egomaniacal Google-masturbators that we are, we often skulk around search engines to see who’s talking about us. More recently, readers have been discussing the “official” review of GTA4 by Officially Corrupt Xbox 360 Magazine. They’re surprised. They’re surprised that the review was based on unfinished code. They’re surprised that this was admitted in the review. They’re surprised because they apparently think that every game reviewed is done so honestly, with no influence from PR shite-bags or advertisers, based on gold code.

We’re not surprised – we’re fucking shocked. We can’t believe that, even in the open age of the internet, so many gamers are still completely unaware of how this business works.

So – mission failed, then? Probably.

Still, we read with interest an editorial in PC Gamer last week where editor Ross Atherton (who must thank the lord-god-Future daily for not making him the editor of nearly-dead PC Zone) denounced PR influence on future features in his mag. The piece itself was still slightly politicised in its wording (only noticed recently – is that a joke?), but the intention is noble.

You could argue that he goes and throws away the credibility gained by presenting an advert for a book written by one of his writers as “news”, especially as Edge (of all mags) at least had the decency to criticise it in their one-page advertorial (here’s the translation: “meandering”, “indistinct in purpose” and “circuitous” = indulgent). But still, it’s progress, especially if they stick to it.

Assuming this sudden in-public recognition of the overbearing PR machine on this once hobbyist pastime is an epiphany, no matter how small, can we take any of the credit? Of course not. Yes, they all know about us, and yes, they all read us. Hell, we even get more readers in a month than the majority of Future’s games mags. The problem is that no matter how long we bang on like stroppy autistic zealots, there are always going to be many more readers who have never heard of us, and never will, so will carry on without actually knowing “how things work”.

Still, as much as joyful little events like the Driv3r scandal and the Gerstmann fiasco garner the real attention, we’re going to carry on banging on like grumpy fucks for as long as people keep coming back to the blog for more. And if we’ve had even the slightest, most infinitesimally minor effect on the way the gaming press works, then that’s three years well spent.

Anyway, we’ve had enough gloom and moaning for the time being. Stay tuned for yet another one of our “lists” that people like so much over the summer as the world of gaming grinds to a halt, and here’s to another year of angriness, infuriation, the same old jokes, being called cunts, and good old-fashioned piss-taking.

The RAM Raider salutes you, dear reader.

A Good Question

Amongst the many and varied emails we received during our brief hiatus was this tale from an Anonymous Knight. He’s a freelancer who apparently has some experience in the business, and poses a question to editors that we think they’ll find quite tricky to answer. Take it away, Anonymous Knight:


“I sent out personally addressed emails to carefully selected editors of a variety of periodicals, big and small. If I didn’t get a reply, I followed up with a conventional letter. In each case, I always offered a couple of ideas for articles.

The only responses I got were from people I knew already. The majority did not bother even to reply.

It seems that most journalists in high positions are not interested in authors they do not already know, or ideas which challenge them to think. Either that or they’re not interested in communicating with would-be contributors outside their social circle.

When I used to write mailed letters offering articles I got an answer to every single one and many of them resulted in mutually rewarding work. Perhaps email enables us to not communicate more effectively than ever before.

The Guardian’s George Monbiot, for instance, invites feedback from his website, but replies to emails with an automatically generated message saying that he is too busy to answer them.

I’m busy too and I have been in the commissioning seat. And it would never occur to me not to acknowledge an email, let alone a letter, which is written to me personally. At least, “thanks, but no thanks,” which takes ten seconds to type and send; it’s just courtesy.

My intention here is not to moan but to solicit information. I’d love to hear from any fellow journalists, especially editors, how they like to receive information and what their policy is on responding to ideas they receive.”


Editors – you can send your answers to the usual address. After all, you’re not all a bunch of jobs-for-the-boys nepotistic tits who ignore stuff that’s from people you don’t know, or aren’t from eager readers doing your job for you for free at the right time. Are you…?

Q&A With Mr. Biffo / Paul Rose! (Plugging His Book, But Being Funny Too)

Readers of the funnier-than-this-blog (not hard) and updated-more-than-this-blog (really not hard) Mr. Biffo’s Blog (formerly Biffovision) might have noticed one or two references to the new book Confessions Of A Chatroom Freak by the former Digitiser and only-readable-page-in-Edge guy. In the interests of good old-fashioned promotion, he agreed to grant us a Q&A about his sexual interests and darkest perversions. And a bit about the book.


You've written a book. Tell us all about it. Does it have some nice, smooth varnish on the front?

The entire cover is very smooth, and the overall dimensions are slightly larger than you – or indeed I – would perhaps expect them to be for a book of this sort. Tie it to a broom handle, and it makes for a very effective cudgel. And I should know: I’ve just used it to pressgang four or five people! The book is a series of genuine transcripts of conversations between my feminine alter-ego, LoopyLisa21f, and a series of unwitting online suitors. It’s probably slightly longer than it should’ve been, but at least you get your money’s worth. And hey – it’s not a novel, and therefore not meant to be read all in one go. Idiots. Depending on who you are, you’ll either find it the funniest thing you ever read, or get halfway through and decide that’s more than enough to write a negative review on Amazon. Not that I ever did that when I used to review video games for a living, of course. I played them all through to the end. Ahem.

Pretending to be someone you're not's a bit weird, isn't it? All this hiding behind personas who aren't really you, like a washed-up games journo who slags off everyone because HE HATES THE WORLD AND… ahem, sorry… so why did you go with "LoopyLisa" and her surreal personality?

I dunno, really. I didn’t think about it a great deal. Lisa just sort of happened. She was always 21, always a school teacher, and always had a father who abused her in a variety of amusing ways. Actually, there are elements of her personality that are based upon someone I used to know, but that’s all I’m saying on that (and with that every single person who ever met me feels a sudden pang of paranoia…). Yes, it was probably a weird thing to start doing initially, but hey – it was for a book, guy! If I did it for fun you’d have cause to get concerned. Anyway, hasn’t everyone pretended to be someone they’re not at some point? And when I say “pretended to be someone they’re not” I specifically mean “inverted their genitals to pretend to be someone of the opposite sex, and inexplicably started crawling around in their front garden”.

Even if you go out and win the Nobel Peace Prize, you'll always be remembered as "that guy what used to do Digitiser". One of our personal favourite bits of Digi was Phoning Honey, where you would ring up games shops and firms and prank them up good. Is LoopyLisa the new digital frontier version of Phoning Honey?

Yes. Spot on. That was part of the idea behind it: I needed to find a way to get all that pent-up Digi nonsense out of my system. Digitiser was always a stream-of-consciousness – written in an hour every morning, before I went off and did something more productive, such as give myself the runs, or suckle a horse – and for Confessions of a Chatroom Freak I took exactly that approach. It’s all quite liberating, really, especially now that I work in TV, where I’ve constantly got 45 people breathing down my neck, telling me what and how I should be writing. It also means I can go back and read bits, and find them funny because I don’t remember writing them.

Going back to the chatting up of a plethora of chat room weirdos you've done for your book: Now that the conversations they've had with you have been published for the world to see, what are you going to do when one tracks you down and demands you make good on any promises you might have made?

Take him up on it. I am nothing if not dedicated to my art. Actually, I’m not sure I ever promised anything. Part of the book was me talking a load of surreal arse, and seeing how long they’d continue to talk to me.

The TriForce wrote a book. No, really, and Teletext's GameCentral said it was shit. We found a dog-eared copy in Waterstones and thought it was alright. The kind of "alright" where we didn't regret standing there reading it for 10 minutes, but not the kind of "alright" where we were reaching for our wallets afterwards. Do you think your book will break the speed record set by the TriForce's book, and hit bargain bins even sooner (even if that would mean hitting the bargain bins literally before its release)? And do you think Teletext will say your book's shit too?

I can’t see the book being reviewed on GameCentral. Firstly, it has absolutely nothing to do with video games. Secondly, it’s absolutely filthy, and I know from bitter experience that Teletext doesn’t like any hint of filth unless you’ve found some way to sneak it onto their pages. Lastly, Teletext’s senior management hate me, so I wouldn’t for a second imagine that they’d want to publicise my guff. Will it hit the bargain bins quicker than The TriForce book? I hope so: I need to top up my promo copies library.

How does it feel not only being an Official Top 10 "Celebrity" Games Journalist BUT ALSO the sixth least hideous games journalist?

It feels to me like you could’ve chosen a better photo. I absolutely fucking hate that one. ‘Scuse my French.

Who's more attractive – you, or LoopyLisa?

Lisa, by far. She has smoother legs, and a nicer bottom. Mine is all damp, and covered in leaves.

Incredibly, the first few voters when we checked on Paul's picture agreed:

And on that note, is LoopyLisa's resemblance to Russell Brand intentional?

Does she look like Russell Brand? That’s the first I’ve heard of it. That probably means that Russell Brand looks a bit like my mother. Perhaps we’re related. Which would be embarrassing, seeing as we recently had sex with one another (you know: “for television”).

Were there any chats too saucy for the book? TELL ME NOW. IN DETAIL.

I’m not sure. There were some that were too unfunny for the book, and a couple that we edited out because some guy went off on a racist rant that sat uncomfortably alongside the rest of it. I think the sauciest ones are all in there. Some of those chaps really do get quite steamy. And, indeed, seamy.

You look very comfortable in your photographs. Your idea, perchance?

Actually, no. I tried to convince my publisher that we could get a model to pose for the pictures, but the budget wouldn’t stretch to it. My default reaction in any crisis is to reach for the mascara. The original photos I sent to the victims were actually slightly more masculine. The ones in the book are probably slightly too girly. I’d certainly do me. And I have done.

It's an undisputed fact which has been scientifically proven on more than one occasion that 93.7% of people surf the net in their underwear at all times. As you obviously statistically lie within this percentile, did you have your online chats in your underpants, or did you crack out the negligee?

As the photos prove, all my chats took place while I was wearing an all-in-one black body sheath, and white Stormtrooper boots. Indeed, everything I do occurs while wearing an all-in-one black body sheath, and white Stormtrooper boots.

Chatting up perverts and possible paedophiles is undoubtedly one of the best jobs in the world (it is, isn't it? Hmm?), so are you working on a sequel?

My publisher hasn’t asked me to think about a sequel, but I’d very much like to do one. I guess it all depends on how well it sells. I don’t think it’s doing too badly at the moment, but who knows? I think I learned a few lessons, and I’d like to develop the idea in a few different ways, while not losing sight of what makes it good. As I previously mentioned, I do find the process quite liberating. The book won’t be to everyone’s taste, but this sort of abject nonsense never will be. After all, Digitiser was always very divisive. I’d be surprised if anyone who liked Digitiser doesn’t finds Confessions funny. Also: anyone who doesn’t like the book is obviously an Internet pervert himself, and merely looking out for his own.

Did you ever feel yourself getting dragged (hah – "dragged" – you see?) a little too far towards the dark side when you were dedicating so much time towards chatting up freaks? Were you ever, say, halfway through a conversation before realising you had your hand on a nipple?

You mean, did I ever get turned on? Christ, no. There’s nothing quite as sobering – or less arousing – as knowing that the man you’re talking to is masturbating while fantasising about having sex with a female version of yourself. Towards the end I certainly found the whole thing clouding my mood. The first half of the book was written over the space of a couple of years, but making up the remainder of the chats only took a couple of months. That much concentrated exposure to the dank underbelly of the Internet was almost too much to handle. There’s only so much of that a man can stomach before losing all faith in the rest of his gender: it’s like being able to read people’s minds, and I did start to realise that – contrary to popular thinking – people don’t try and pretend to be someone else online. That’s who they really are.

You're a proper, real life TV writer. Do you think there's some way you can bring Confessions Of A Chatroom Freak to TV land?

I don’t know how it’d work on telly. My publisher and I did briefly toy with the possibility of doing some sort of live event – just to prove that I really do these things for real – but I can’t see any way of that happening without entering a legal minefield. I’d be happy to sell the film rights to anyone with a spare million quid to hand. Oh, go on then – fifty quid.

Did you ever have any chats with blokes who were actually Pat Butcher lesbians just pretending to be mentally disturbed wank monkeys?

No, but the opposite did happen. I chatted to one “bi-fem” who I sussed pretty early on was a bloke. Which was quite a surreal situation, when you think about it.

Your hatred of Terry Pratchett is legendary (interesting trivia fact: several games journos who work with his daughter love slagging her off when she's not there). Had you thought of inviting him to a chat with LoopyLisa? Do you think he'd try and work his moves, or huffily whine something about Ankh-Morpork (or whatever) and disconnect?

I don’t hate Terry Pratchett. He was just astonishingly rude to me one time, and I don’t like his stupid books. Admittedly, that’s probably as a consequence of him being rude to me. I’m not sure I’d want to chat with him as LoopyLisa. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything more distressing. Try and picture that: Terry Pratchett tugging himself off during a cybersex session. Ugh. No. I’d never go online again.

If you could chat with any person in the world as LoopyLisa, who would it be?

You, Ramraider. It has always been you…

Quote Of The Week

“Gay men are more tech savy with a higher penetration”

Courtesy of Sony UK Product Manager Liam Quigley in last week’s MCV. Liam, you’re a comedy genius.