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    Wednesday, May 25, 2005

    Future Publishing quiz – falling circulations

    This Saturday sees yet another instalment of the fucking awful “Test the Nation” programme fronted by Anne “I can’t lower my eyebrows” Robinson and Phillip “How the fuck has nobody discovered I’m gay yet?” Schofield. Just in case there’s a question on monopolising cunts, here’s a question on Future Publishing to practice on:

    You’re spending potfuls of cash on buying out magazines, increasing the wages of the suits who hang around upstairs in Bath, and losing your magazine readership. What do you do?

    a) Stop fucking around and plough some of that cash back into the magazines so the journos can put together excellent coverage for the readers;

    b) Keep things steady, and hope the magazine teams can turn around their fortunes through their continuing hard work;

    c) Acknowledge the fact that 75% of your revenue comes from the readers, so fuck them over by raising the cover price of several mags; and while you’re at it fuck the poor overworked journos by significantly reducing their budgets, forcing them to cut back on spending to cover game previews (why bother when they can just use instead?) and become even more overworked by having to write more for the same shit pay (leading to Headhunter: Redemption situations all over again); while sending your head cunt Greg Ingham to appear in MVC and say how great the management are.

    The answer will be in the next update. As if you need it…


    1. Anonymous10:02 am

      If you hate your job so much, why don't you just leave? You know, before you're found out and fired, which is pretty inevitable judging by the open contempt you have for your employers.

    2. Anonymous10:16 am

      *Deletes RAMRaider link from favourites*
      And very glad not to ever have to read your impotent reply, too.

    3. Anonymous2:25 pm

      You never got the breaks, did you?

      Your ex-friends are off launching magazines, making a great living writing for the broadsheets or working with Chris Morris. And you're all alone and unappreciated, late-night wanking over increasingly specialised pornography and anxiously checking the hit count on one of the few remaining outlets for your writing.

      It's not your fault that no-one saw the potential in all of your job applications.

      It's not your fault that all your colleagues always got so much more appreciation. That they're so much happier than you now. More successful.

      It's not your fault that you don't get to go to E3 anymore, that everyone's so much younger nowadays, that your happy days are so long gone.

      Christ - it wasn't as if you lacked the talent, was it?

      It's just been a fucking conspiracy to keep you down hasn't it?

      A conspiracy of cunts.

      Yes. Cunts

      Not your fault


      Not a lack of talent of creativity


      Fucking cunts...

    4. Anonymous4:38 pm

      I hated my job and I left and now I'm happy.

      It didn't make game magazines any better, but hey, being there didn't do that either.


      Being full of hate and still writing, that's really bad. That's in the same league of badness as actually being bad.

      And if they're so fucked and rubbish and sinking, why would you want to ride the ship down? They trick the young blood into working for a pitance by telling them that their job is COOL and they are REALLY LUCKY to be writing about games based on press releases, the options menu and the intro FMV for the same money as they pay in McDonalds.

      Surely you're too old and wise to fall for that old shit?

      Go do something where they will respect you, for money that makes you feel good. Games won't hate you all of a sudden because you don't write about them for a living any more. In fact, they'll probably love you more, because you won't be pumping out 1000 words of guesswork in 22 hours about a game you couldn't give a shit about.

      It's that or be remembered as that guy on the internet who was less famous that Kieron Gillen.

      It's not a hard choice is it?

    5. Everyone on the Internet is less famous than me, Ste/Taurus.


    6. Taurus11:57 pm

      Kieron, I can spell 'pittance', which rules me out as the mystery commenter.

    7. And it wasn't me, either, Kieron. I think you need to stop casting silly aspersions across the internet, or people are going to start to think you're fallible.

    8. I withdraw above accusation. After much contemplation, I realise that Ste would never say that writing from Anger was a bad thing, and Taurus would never say he was happy.


    9. Anonymous5:52 pm

      And that's the point, of course.


    10. I think I speak for everyon when I say "heh."

      Watch RAM Raider be Ste all along, or something. It usually is Ste, with things like this.

    11. Anonymous2:37 am

      And I think I speak for the people who are now gravitating towards the Back button when I say

      "that was bit shit, wasn't it?"

      Endlessly bitter Future-ba(i)ting does not a great read make, boyo. If you're the savant of good games journalism why don't you pull your finger out and get a bloody job.

    12. I just laugh at all the people who have to post anonymously because they have no spine to own up to who they are.

      If you're gonna speak your 'mind' at least say who you are.