RR Most Ridiculous Statement Masquerading As Games Journalism 2008: IGN Australia

Our personal favourite award threw up some gems, but fuck knows, there’s plenty out there to choose from. The winner has dropped straight from the encrusted slit of a game that’s proven to be an efficient shit magnet in its effectiveness at drawing together the assorted things cunts say – none other than the RR Most Overrated Pile Of Shite 2008 winner, Little Shit Planet. Here’s IGN Australia’s take on it:

‘On the surface, LittleBigPlanet is all about jumping and stickers and rainbows and ponies and having a good time with friends. But if you delve deeper and look past the infectiously approachable presentation, there’s something far more curious at play. LittleBigPlanet is actually all about the fundamentals of cause and effect relationships, man in his environment and how we relate to the world around us.’

“No, it isn’t. It’s a game about sackboys.”

Dan de la peche, via Facebook


The notable nominations list sees another nod to IGN, this time featuring shit-speak about GTA4:

“IGN’s GTAIV review includes such eyebrow-raising lines as:”

‘Helicopters are also very tough to control in this fashion – it’s as if Rockstar thought they were making a game about dragons.’

“What?”

‘Go to location, kill people to get to target, chase target, kill target -- it never feels repetitive.’

“Not at all! Even if it is simply the same formula repeated from its predecessors.”

Melaisis, via website


And finally, it’s only right and proper that our favourite award should include a mention of our favourite magazine:

‘Gaming magazine and website, Edge, announced at this year’s Edinburgh Interactive Festival that it has awarded its fourth Award for Innovation to Bungie’s popular Halo 3.

‘Halo 3, just as Halo 2 did before it, presents a roadmap for the way online will be integrated into videogames in the coming year,’ said Alex Wiltshire, Deputy Editor of Edge.’

“What a pile of fucking horseshit.”

Anonymous Knight, via email

RR Corruption Or Lie Of 2007: Sony

Despite a late flurry of votes for the shameful Gamespot Jeff Gerstmann corruption, Sony still managed to stay comfortably ahead with yet another year packed full of lies, back-pedalling, and shameless bullshitting about the PS3.

Despite years of heckling as press release after never ending press release packed full of lies are issued to the games industry, Sony has still somehow failed to turn the PS3 around into something that isn’t entirely shit.

Read UK:R for some hardcore Sony-baiting, as Cutlack has more time on his hands than we do. We’ll just conclude the mighty RAM Raider Awards 2007 with this video which, despite starting out fairly amusingly, turns into sheer hilarity when Phil Harrison quotes are layered into the soundtrack:

Congratulations, Sony – The RAM Raider salutes you.

RR Most Ridiculous Statement Masquerading As Games Journalism 2007: BioShock Review For PC Gamer By Tom Francis

A new category for this year’s awards, the “Most Ridiculous Statement” entries had us torn between screaming with laughter and sobbing with despair. We were surprised at first that there weren’t more entries from Edge, considering you could drop it into a turd and the chances are it would fall open onto a page full of eligible prose, but that would mean admitting to reading the bollock cloth.

PC Gamer’s very own Tom Francis, a man accustomed to thinking he’s writing his sixth-form philosophy and politics homework when typing out games reviews, lifts the trophy for his raping of BioShock. Take it away, Anonymous Knight:

“Tom Francis, for his review of Bioshock, in which we discover the man - who obviously suffers from a form of mental premature ejaculation - celebrating how much the game was like System Shock 2, while exaggerating like an utter cunt about how good it was. In his review he wrote:

‘BioShock had already made me physically gape several times by this stage, but here my mouth fell open and stayed open, only widening further as the scene became more extraordinary with every passing second.’

After which Ken Levine probably thrust his erect member into the mouth of young Tom Francis.”

Anonymous Knight, via comments


Although the entry was for the RR Games Writer Twat Of 2007 award, the inclusion of the statement (and the huge amount of entries we had for that award) saw it getting moved to a more suitable category.

The number two spot also goes to a PC Gamer writer nominated for the Games Writer Twat award:

“Alec Meer (PCGamer)Purely for his The Witcher "review".

A small excerpt for you:

‘It goes something like this: wave the little sword icon over an enemy, click and hold the button down. Realise it's not worked, try again. Eventually a circle appears around the icon and Albino Viggo will start swording. Keep holding until the icon turns orange. Click nownownow to activate a stronger attack, unless the enemy has moved slightly. Repeat.’

Here's a clue for you; if you are going to earn a living reviewing games, at the very least learn how to play the fucking things first. The whole point of the combat is the timing between the clicks, complaining that holding down the button and then clicking frantically like some kind of arthritis ridden spastic doesn’t work; is akin to repeated jamming your car keys into your eyes and then complaining that your car won’t start.

Cunt.”

Ross, via comments


Finally, a dishonourable mention goes to GameSpot for this truly unforgivable sin spotted by a reader:

“‘Ultimately, if you take a step back and look at the big picture, you'll see that real life is an impressive and exciting experience, despite its occasional and sometimes noticeable problems.’

This cunt at Gamespot reviewed "Real life" ROFL ROFL ROFL. Cunt.”

Anonymous Knight, via email


Congratulations, Tom Francis from PC Gamer – The RAM Raider salutes you.