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    Friday, July 17, 2009

    ONM’s Rushed Wii Sports Resort Review

    This has probably been the worst attempt at closing down a blog in the history of everything, ever. Seeing as we’ve already broken silence (erm, twice), we’re going to offload a few posts that we were saving up for a one-off later in the year. And then we’ll fuck off again. Probably.

    “Just thought I'd bring the Official Nintendo Magazine’s review of Wii Sports Resort to your attention (flagged up by the GRcade forums). The review is atrociously bad on practically every single level. I’d wager the word “well” & variations of “works really well” have never appeared together so often ever before. Bear in mind this is one review...

    When describing the Frisbee... “The controls work really well”

    Wakeboarding... “The controls work well”

    Table Tennis... “Actually works really well”

    Power Cruising... “Actually works really well”

    Table Tennis again... “In fact it actually works really well”

    Archery... “But I have to admit this one worked really, really well”

    Cycling... “Works well”

    Archery for a second time... “Works very well”

    Couple in typos ("you have get to the front of the course over the whole competition") & their review must have been cobbled together in record time. Shameful.

    Anonymous Knight”


    1. They should get KG to rereview it.

    2. Rammy, I want you to write a review of Halo ODST when it comes out. Will you? For me?

    3. Anonymous8:28 pm

      They should get Ed Zitron to rewrite it word for word. Rammy would love it then.

    4. Anonymous11:26 pm

      They must have thought it was a drive-thru.

    5. Anonymous1:03 am

      I'm going to buy a copy as I refuse to believe this can actually be real. Sounds fucking hilarious.

    6. Anonymous2:01 pm

      Never mind all this bollocks, the review is segmented to fuckery & reads like a game manual. I now know the control layouts to within an inch of my fucking life & that the game works really, really well. You need to get scans of this up on the blog Rammy. Infuriating ineptitude from Chris Scullytodger & his band of merry arsebandits.

    7. Anonymous1:14 pm

      Yeah, rushing a big review to hit deadline is unforgivable. They should have taken the fine from the printers or gone to press with blank pages and kept their 16K a year integrity. Or, if they had plenty of time and it is just a fuckshow, then it's 'well' funny. Plodding text that just says that the game does what it does well is as good a review as I've seen for a Wii Sportsy game. Forget NGL, here's Ironically Bland Journalism. Fuck you Nintendo license.

    8. Anonymous3:07 pm

      Hey at least they mentioned the controls straight off the bat unlike EG :)

    9. Anonymous2:05 pm

      It would be nice if the "Anonymous Knight" actually got his facts right. Yes, the phrase "works well" is repeated a lot throughout the review but not as much as has been claimed (not in Archery for example), and the apparent typo:

      "you have get to the front of the course over the whole competition"

      ...actually says in the magazine (when referring to a three-stage cycling race):

      "you have to get to the front over the course of the whole competition".

      It's one thing slagging off a review, but it'd be nice to get the facts right first otherwise all you're doing is showing that everyone makes mistakes and coming across as a bit of a cock.